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Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Its been a minute

Unfortunately when i got back from Florida i discovered my lap top has a virus. My bestie let me borrow hers, thanks Kierra!!!
Since returning from Florida i have really felt like my old self again. I now realize that i may have been a little depressed. I used to cry everyday, i dont as much now.
Jaramie and i renewed our vows while we were there and it was great. Much sweeter the second time. My family really went out of their way to make it a special day for us. I was really happy bc my cousin let me wear part of her wedding dress. Im sentimental like that. I had bought a dress to wear and my cousin had a 2 piece and we put the top piece over my dress and it looked great! My aunt let me wear a pair of my grandmas earrings, that really meant alot to me. We got married next to the Braden river and my cousins children were our ring bearer and flower girl. They were so cute and did such a great job! During the ceremony Jaramie and i both cried. Neither of us cried at our wedding 2 years ago. We have came through alot, together. I will be posting the pictures of it on facebook as soon as i get my computer fixed. My cousin took the pictures and she did a great job!

I started back to work today. Im only going to go back to work a couple of days a week for now. I started calling all of my clients yesterday and they all wanted to make appointments so i had to stop when i got to the B's in my address book bc i didnt want to over do it this week. Everyone has been really happy im back! I love all my clients so much, i feel as if they are family to me. I felt as if i had abandoned my children when i had to quit work. Dont get me wrong it was worth every second of it, i did the best i could for my son and i am proud.

Also, my pprom mom friend that we stopped to visit in Atlanta had her baby girl!!! She had no measurable fluid the last few times they checked her i believe and she is doing well!! Most of the mothers from the pprom support group i have been keeping up with have had their babies and they are doing so well! Please keep them in your prayers!!

I went to the dr and i dont have a UTI. He put me on 2 meds for the bladder spasms. So far nothing has changed so we will see.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

When i get home

We have been here in Florida for a week now, we are going home on mon. We have had such a great time, our family here is so great! Makes it hard to leave. Ill be looking forward to getting home bc im ready to see my family. Please keep my cousin Wesley in your prayers bc he is taking care of my grandpa and sometimes its hard on him. I am thankful for him, hes done a great job staying with him, i know its hard. When i get home i have to go back to the dr bc i am having trouble urinating. I called the my dr and spoke to his nurse and i describe my symptoms and she seems to think i am still having bladder spasms. I research it and it can be caused from surgeries. Nerves may have been cut that is causing my bladder to spasm and it is causing me some pain in my abdomen. So they want me to come in when i get back in town. They will do a urinalysis first to rule out anything anatomical(UTI, bladder infection, etc..). Hopefully it will not be anything that involves any type of surgery. It really bothers me every time i urinate, pretty painful. My bladder just goes into spasms. Good news for us today...i started my period. The dr told me he didnt have any idea when i would. This is a great sign and means i am ovulating and things are working right since my uterus has been through so much. After i have 2 periods the dr wants me to come in and do a dye test to make sure there are no blockages in my tubes. Since i had to quit work when my water broke and i was on bed rest i was on state medicaid insurance. Well now they have started denying alot of my medical bills. I am faced with some hefty bills coming i know. I am not quite sure what to do. I know that drs are only human and make mistakes but medicaid will only cover my first surgery. Not the second emergency surgery and 2 additional weeks in the hosp as well as post op visits and tests. It has been suggested to me that i need to talk to a lawyer. Even a nurse one night told me that she thought the hospital should have to take care of all of my bills for me. I have no hard feeling in what happened but i cannot afford the medical bills i know are coming. Especially when there was a serious mistake made. I may ask the dr if he could help or there is anything we could do before i speak with a lawyer.

Tomorrow is our last full day here and Jaramie and i are renewing our vows on the beach tomorrow at sunset!! My family here has really went out of there way to make it a special occasion!! It is going to be so much fun and so very special, i think we may renew them every year!! I want to thank Henry and Martha for everything!! And thanks to brother Wayne for officiating our ceremony! Ill blog the details soon!

I also wanted to say Congrats to all of the mothers from the Pprom support group who have had their babies!! Please keep them in your prayers. I am so happy for them, i know the road they have traveled and i am praying for them. Also, please pray for the Pprom mothers who are still carrying their babies, they are staying so strong, its so hard. I hope no one ever has to go through an experience like this. Keep baking mamas!!! Also, i have joined support groups for parents who have suffered loss. Please say a prayer for these parents who have lost a child. As i read i have realized how some of these mothers are having such a hard time, its heart breaking. I pray that they find find peace and heal. I feel as if i am dealing with our loss really well, there are still times that are difficult, i never know when it will hit or what can trigger it. I feel at peace, our son is with the lord and i am proud. We will be together some day, that thought makes me smile. So i cherish the time i have here with my family, im afraid time will pass alot faster than we want. Hard to decide whether to pray for time to slow so i can be here or for it to pass fast so i can see my sons. So ill just pray that Gods will be done and he uses me how he needs to.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Peace

We are in Florida visiting family. We needed to get away and i have a wonderful aunt and uncle that live here in Tampa and invited us down. We are having a wonderful time. I am enjoying visiting with her the most. I have been really tired nearly everyday. I realized i havent been up and around more than a day or two. We have been here since Friday and ive been trying to keep up but i feel so tired. My back hurts and now my incision has become a little more tender. It really is going to take me awhile to get back to normal. I have had such a great time playing with my little cousins they are so sweet. I wish my niece and nephew could be here. I really miss them. My aunt told Jaramie today that we need to move down here so i can have some peace. Ive been thinking about it. It would be nice. We'll see. I do look up to my aunt. She is a great mother and wonderful grandmother. She loves her grand kids so much. She does crafts with them and all kinds of things. I love to see this. I want to be like her when i have grand babies. Today we went to the Florida aquarium in Tampa and i saw a little baby boy in a stroller he had cute little chubby legs and he was make noises with his mouth, then for the first time i really thought about having another baby. I told Jaramie maybe we could try in January. He said we'll see. Im sure he is still pretty shook up from everything that happened. I know if i had been in his shoes id be the same way. I hate that he had to go through all of that but it has brought him closer to the Lord and id do it all again if i had to. After all Jesus gave his son so we could have eternal life and we will get to be with our son again bc of that. I am so thankful. Jaramie went fishing on the pier last night and threw out his throw net to catch bait fish and a dolphin jumped right beside it, he thought it was in his net. Thankfully it wasnt bc the 200-300lb dolphin would of pulled him off the pier and under. It scared me. I thought, when the lord is ready to take Jaramie he will. I have begun to accept death. My aunt told me today that grandma used to say "you celebrate at a funeral and cry at weddings". That is so true, i know next month i will cry at my brothers wedding and when my grandmother passed away 4 days before i had Mason i told my dad that it was the time to celebrate her life and the special moments we shared with her, when he called me crying. It was a hard week for my family, Monday we lost my grandmother, buried her wed., i went into labor fri. and Mason passed then i almost did. I didnt get to attend my grandmothers visitation or funeral bc i was on bed rest. I would have been so hard. I miss her so much. Family is so important. Being here has made me realize how close i am with my sister. We talk several times a day and since ive been here i havent talked to her much and i really miss her. When i was on bedrest she would come over and help so much. She would vacuum, sweep, do laundry, wash my hair, and feed me. All why taking care of her 3 and 4 year old little ones. She also would go to Memphis when we would go see the specialist. She is a wonderful person and i am proud to be her sister. God has blessed me with such a wonderful family.

We want to thank Henry and Martha for the wonderful time here. I really needed it Martha, you have been so good to me and an inspiration. Thank you for listening and the support. I love you.

Monday, July 12, 2010

A special stop

So when we decided that we were coming to Florida and i realized that we were going to be going through one of the cities that one of the mothers on the pprom support group lives in i sent her a message and asked if she wanted a visitor. She did! She has been in the hospital on bedrest since her water broke about 10 weeks ago i believe. I wanted to stop by and say hi, bring her some gifts and pray with her. I was so excited. I was alot more nervous than i had anticipated when it came to praying with her, almost a complete stranger. I think about Jesus and his time here on earth. I was proud she let me. We had a good visit and we got to meet her son, he is such a sweet boy. Made us laugh he was too cute. She is expecting a girl and things are going well. She is in a great hospital and from what little she told me i think she has a great doctor. He has had her in the hospital since her water broke. My family and i were in shock when they sent me home on strict bed rest when my water first broke. Turns out her dr kept her bc they had a woman whose water had broke and they sent her home on strict bed rest as well and she went in for weekly visits and ended up with a temp of 99.3 so they admitted her and 24 hours later she and the baby passed away from infection. That hit home with me. There is not alot of information out on cases like ours bc they have been so rare. I do hope that is going to change soon.

Amber is in good spirits and she is doing an excellent job mothering her little girl who is nestled in her belly. I pray that she keeps her cooking til 34 weeks at least. I am thankful i had the opportunity to visit her. I have such hope for her and the others mothers from the support group. I wish i could meet and pray with all of them.

Thank you Amber and i cant wait to see pictures of your little girl when she arrives!!

Thoughts

We are in Florida visiting family. I am glad to be here. I really love and miss my family that lives here. They are very supportive and i will be sad to leave. I would love to move here. I get so tired alot. Its hard to get used to. I couldnt really do any of the driving here bc i felt exhausted. Ive felt really tired since ive been here. I just dont have the energy to keep up with everyone else yet. Seeing as how i only have been out of the hosp. for 3 wks i guess its understandable. Being in the hosp. took alot more out of me than i wouldve thought. We have really been having a good time here. Taking it slow, relaxing, and visiting with my family. Today we went to Venice beach looking for sharks teeth, the weather was great. On the way back from the beach i heard a song on the radio that made me cry, i tried to fight it but i couldnt. I did manage to hide it from Jaramie. I dont want him to feel bad. It hurts to think how i never got to hold him. We wanted to hold him in our laps and tell him about God. Now God is holding him in his lap telling him about us. He will always be apart of our lives, i am thankful.

I love so much about life. Every time i enjoy things about life i feel blessed, but i know our true rewards are in heaven. I find peace in knowing that the bible says we cant possibly imagine what awaits us in heaven. Its hard to imagine that there could be greater things than the love we share with each other here but i am excited.

Things i love here on earth and with heaven being greater i cant imagine:
Jaramie and everything about him
Stefanie and her 2 beautiful children
My relationship with my dad
My brother and his wonderful fiance
My family, i am blessed with a large one, thankful for every one of them
Life
Laughter
Love itself
Lemons and fresh ripe figs
Sunshine and the beach
i could go on and make a list longer than you would care to read

God has given me a third chance at life. God has a purpose for me. A doctor made a mistake and i almost didnt make it, i am not angry in the least. He is human just as i am. Sometimes i am concerned about trying to have another baby, i could go to see the most experienced, highly recommended doctors in the world and all they could tell me is what they think. They will not know. Only God knows and i take comfort in that. I fully trust in him. I realize now more than ever he is in control and can take any of one of us at any moment. We need not get too comfortable here bc it is only temporary. I have accepted this more now than ever. Life is a fragile blessing, one thats was given in love.

A friend recently lost her boyfriend, i talked to her last week and told her that it looked like June was a rough month for both of us. I told her that maybe God sent him here to bring her closer to God. Not just her but many. It has touched me.

I am a member of a couple of support groups on the internet and since i have been here in Florida i havent been on the computer. I got on here today and checked the pprom board and 3 of the mothers have had their babies. These are mothers that had their membranes rupture early just as i did. One little one gained his wings, the others are doing well. Please keep these mothers, babies, and their families in your prayers.


I also wanted to add that we are VERY thankful for those who have acknowledge Mason and have been supportive in any way.

A special thanks this week to:
Wesley
Stefanie(as always, love you!)
Dad
Martha and Henry
Amber Salway and her lovely son
Emily and Andrew
John and Dana
and most of all God

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Getting out

Today i would have been 24 wks pregnant. I would have been admitted to the hospital in Memphis because 24 weeks is when the medical community consider a child viable. Meaning that the baby can survive outside of the womb. God has given me peace. I am getting stronger emotionally and physically everyday. I am really beginning to feel more like myself again. I started driving again. I have only went a few places. I really prefer just to stay at home. I really dont want to get out much yet. I really need my hair cut but i still dont know if i can be around everybody without talking about everything and crying. That is why i am not in any hurry to get back to work. I have a very social job as a hairstylist. Meaning i will have to tell each and everyone of my clients about everything that has happened. So ill probably cry from time to time for awhile when i do go back to work. Before my water broke i worked at a big salon. Ive been thinking about finding another place to work, somewhere that is smaller bc i dont feel like being around alot of people. I would like a place where i can have a private spot. I do want to share my experience with each of my clients, as many people as i can. I can see Gods plan really working in my life. With my job i have the opportunity to speak one on one with many people. He has brought me through this so i can share my faith with others. A task i am proud to do. I have not only been given a second chance from survivng stage 4 cancer but a third in surviving this. God had a purpose for me and i intend to fill it the best i can. I have decided to return to work at the end of August. My brother is getting married in Mexico in Aug. and we are all going and spending a week there. Im returning to work after that.

On a lighter note i have discovered that i now have stretch marks!! Jaramie is calling me stretch, he better watch it lol. He's part of the reason i have them!

This weekend we went with my sister and her husband to the lake. I was nervous about going bc i wasnt for sure i was going to have enough energy to keep up with everyone. It was the first time i spent a whole day up and around. I did well. The second day i felt a little sore like i had been exercising the day before. We had a great time, i am glad they invited us. We love spending time with our niece and nephew. Jaramie got to fish alot and we ate some great food, my brother in law is an excellent cook. It was nice to get away.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Very thankful

I was reminded today of how thankful i am for my son. This morning Jaramie and i were dealing with life and he said we needed to pray about it. He prayed with me right then and there. We started praying together when we bacame pregnant with Mason. There is so much we are thankful for. I am so proud, good things are happening in my life.



We all will experience some kind of loss, pain, and what not. It is life, im just glad ive had the chance to experience so much love.



We are about to go and take a much needed trip to Florida where i have family. God has blessed us with lots of wonderful family. On the way down there i am excited bc i am going to stop and see a friend of mine, shes a pprom mom. I want to pray with her.



Thanks to each person who has prayed and been here for us:)

Understanding

Its been 4 weeks now. I just got back from going to the lake with my sister and her husband. I was nervous about going because i havent been anywhere since April and i didnt know if i had the strength to go. We went and i did fine. I didnt do as much as everyone else bc i didnt have the energy. I really feel my age like i never have before. 28 is not that old but it is going to take me alot longer than i expected to be back to normal. Physically and emotionally. I am thankful for my sister for keeping me busy and my mind off of things. I am very disappointed in some of my family. I wasnt going to mention it. No one really knows but my mother has not checked on me once since ive had the baby. I have not seen or talked to her. I am really bothered by this. Here i have had difficulty in having children and someone who has 3 healthy children doesnt show any concern. I just want to shake her and ask what is wrong with her. She has been blessed and takes it all for granted. I am praying about it and i ask that you all keep her in your prayers as well. When i was in labor she tried to argue with me. During one of the most special days in my life. She disrespected my son, husband, and I. I told her it was not the time or the place. She didnt care, her husband told her to stop and she didnt. I finally asked her to leave and she wouldnt. Then i started crying, i told her, here i am laying with my child in my belly who has passed away and you want to start a argument. Finally she left. As she always does she tries to make everything about her. I have had enough, she cant hurt me anymore bc i wont let her. She has been through alot, i used to feel sorry for her. I dont anymore. I am praying that God gives me peace and forgiveness. Please keep us in your prayers. Ive prayed about her for years. A girl needs her mom, especially in a time like this. I wouldnt wish this upon anyone, and if it had to happen im glad it happened to me and no one else. Im sad for her, that she cant be with me during a time like this. I am thankful for everyone who has been here for us during this difficult time. I am ashamed and embarrassed that she has done this to us.