Fire and brimstone

My dad was asked to speak at the church Jaramie and i got married in this passed sunday. He called me and asked if i wanted to give my testimony. I did. I had always knew that i would have a chance to speak there one day, i dont know why i just had a feeling about it. I got up there and of course i immediately started crying. I couldnt help it. I have never spoken in public before so i was nervous. Everyone said i did fine. I felt like i was rambling though. There was so much i could say, i couldve talked for an hour but i tried to keep it short. I was glad to do it. Share my story, even though it didnt have the ending everyone wanted but it was my story and God hand picked me for the job and even though i fail him daily and he loves me and i am sharing my faith and its all worth it. What we make of our love for God is our place and no one elses. One thing that does stand out in my mind was looking at Jaramies face sitting in the congregation. His face and eyes turned red. I hated that he got upset, when i returned to my seat i could see where tear drops had stained his shirt. I love him very much.
I hadnt heard my dad speak in over 10 years it seems like, actually i think its been longer than that. I think the last time was when i lived in Kansas. I miss those days. There is something about Kansas that i love and i always will. Dads speaking was powerful and he spoke about things that we all needed to hear. This is why he's so good, it was things that most people dont speak about in fear of offending someone, like homosexuality. Wish you all couldve been there.

Anywho, ive been working alot! I missed my clients so much. I love my job, so glad im alive.
Taking one day at a time.

Bulletproof

I have been in such a great mood for the last couple of days! So glad that im alive. I am starting to think i have super powers and that i am bulletproof, now if i can just switch on my invisible power or fly i think some days id be anywhere but here. I definitely do feel the absence of my son. I am missing him. This is one of the true struggles of life, trying to fill a void. There is nothing to fill it with, i know bc i have been trying. I am not a negative person, in fact i like to think of myself as being very optimistic and positive. I take the bull by the horns bc my life is what i make of it. I find myself in difficult positions having to tell people what happened. Its a sad story, one that sometimes i relive when i am telling it. And its a place that i am trying to move on from. When i got better i hated the idea that i was going to have to go on my blog, pprom support group, and kanalen website and tell this story that has such a sad outcome. Its just not me. I hated it bc i didnt want to scare the ones that were going through the same thing. I know bc i read a couple of devastating stories and cried for these ladies and their families. I dont come across many situations in this life i cant shake off, dust myself off, and walk away from, most of the time with a smile on my face. This is one i cant. Theres no smiling about losing my son. Well i guess im not invincible after all, dang it. I am thankful for this old soul in this young body. Still on this staircase, got to keep stepping. Headed up!

Back from Mexico, a letter from the dr waiting for us.....

We just got back from Mexico yesterday. We had a wonderful time!! My brothers wedding was beautiful and i was honored to do Brandi's hair for the ceremony. I was a bit nervous about being around my mother since i havent spoken with her since the day i had Mason. I do intend on speaking with her soon about how she let me down but my brothers wedding was not the place or the time. So i put Shane first and my needs aside because this was his time. The whole week was great. We relaxed and laid on the beach, spent entire days in the pools and ate til we were about to burst. Swimming up to pool side bars and getting ice cream was great! We all got massages on the beach just about everyday. I got a energizing body mask in the spa that included a body scrub, mask, scalp massage, and full body massage front and back, so great. We also rented a car and drove down to Xel Ha which is a park where a fresh water spring runs into the ocean. We tubed down the river then snorkled in a lagoon and in Mayan caves. It was so beautiful! One of the most awesome days of my life. I didnt realize there was such beauty in Mexico. I talked to my brothers wife earlier and they are already planning where we are all going next year, i cant wait. When we got home there was a letter in the mail from my drs office. In the letter he apologized that it took this long to get to us and that the test results were in from Mason. The letter says that Mason had a disorder called Klinefelter syndrome. Every male has one X and one Y chromosome. Mason had 2 X chromosomes. The dr stated that this acounts for the complications i had in my pregnancy. When the human body detects problems often times it will try to abort the pregnancy. Klinefelter occurs in 1 out of every 1000 males. The severity varies. Generally it is not fatal. In fact some men have an extra X chromosomes and may never know bc the symptoms are undetectable. Finding this out gives me great comfort and peace of mind knowing that its not stemming from a problem with my uterus. I was afraid that all of the radiation i received may have had a negative effect on my uterus making it weak and unable to carry a baby. Masons Klinefelter syndrome was not severe. I am thankful for that too. Klinefelter syndrome is not hereditary, it occurs spontaniously when the sperm and egg meet. The dr does recommend that Jaramie and i have a genetic work up done before we try to have another child. We will in the months to come. We are not sure when we will try to conceive again. I want to wait awhile. Squeeze in a couple more vacations!

Today has been a great day, ive been in a great mood and feel normal again. My half sister found me on facebook today and i have been trying to get in touch with her for awhile. I am so glad, i havent seen her since my wedding in 2008. She and i are planning on meeting up in Oct. in Memphis to spend some much needed sister time together! We have the same father, she moved away years ago to Georgia with her mother. I cant wait to see her and give her a big hug!

Work is going great, everyone is managing to hunt me down before i even get a chance to call them to tell them i have returned to work. When i did my first color the other day i remembered how much i love this job. God has blessed me with a great career.

Jaramie's younger brother just found out that he is going to have a boy, Lee is due in Jan. I got the baby a shirt in Mexico. I almost cried everytime i looked at it. I also gave them all the baby clothes and diapers i had already bought. I also bought them another pack of diapers today. I cant wait til he is born, to hold him.

Thank you God for this life and everyone in it, as well as the beauty of this earth and most of all love.

Baby turtles!

I went to the cemetary today. I took my dad out there to see where we buried Mason and where i want to be buried, at the foot of my child. It was weird to me to think this is where i will be laid to rest one day. I havent really thought that far ahead in my future. I put the wreath my aunt Martha made that has flowers in it from when we renewed our vows. I also took some pictures for Jaramie to see. I need to go to Emerson and pick the baby a headstone and pick out a bench with my aunt Jeannie with Masons name on it. It really makes me happy that she is doing this for us. I like seeing people acknowledge him.





We went to the mall today and had a great time. Stef and the kids came. It was sweet to wheel my dad in a wheel chair through the mall while the kids took turns riding in his lap. Jace really enjoyed hanging with papa Kenny. Dad told us he would buy us something but Stef and i could not find anything hardly, end of the summer shopping stinks! We had fun though and
wish times like that were more often.




We leave for Mexico on sat morning!!! I have been packing and im ready to get to the beach and write Masons name in 5the sand. I made a shadow box with the Masons pictures, blanket, and hosp bracelet. I also made a gift for my brother, its a shadow box. Shanes wedding is going to be amazing. My cousin just got back from royal playa. She said it was nice down there. We all need a break. Even Stef does, bless her heart. They got into an accident when they went to a baseball game in memphis. I was with the kids. I am so glad that they are ok. Her car is going to have to go in the shop. She is also about to start school. So we are all excited about Mexico. Brandi has made tye-dye shirts we all have to wear. They say wedding crashers. Good for pics.





We hatched out about ten baby turtles! We watched them break open the eggs and run out. They were the size of quaters. If my computer was working i would have put the pics along with the florida pics. I will as soon as i can. It was so sweet. Jaramie amazes me, he really loves the simple things in life.





I am so glad to be working again. I missed it! I felt that i had abandoned my children. I have had a great response from my wonderful clients. I really love coloring hair.



I am not feeling well this afternoon. Maybe some stress/anxiety about trivial things. I have comteplated going to a local support group for mothers who experienced loss. They meet once a month. I will check in to it when we get back.



Thanks to God for everything he has provided me in this life!

Shopping

I went to the mall by myself for the first time since April. It was great!! I forgot how much i love to shop. The downside is that both times i went someone asked how the baby was. We kept my niece and nephew for my sister and brother-in-law while they went to a ball game. I love them so much. They are so thoughtful to be so young. Jace will be 4 in august. How sweet it is to have a three year old to tell you they are glad that you are feeling better. He also told me he was glad i could walk again when i finally got out of the hospital, he then realized that i would be able to drive my car too, he is so funny. Watching them grow is one of my favorite things about this life.

I have not been to the cemetary since we buried our son, i am going to visit this week. Ive got a few things to take out there. I am going to put 2 angels and a wreath on his grave. I plan on going with my aunt this week to the funeral home bc we she is going to order a bench with Masons name on it for his grave so i can sit out there. She is thoughtful.

I really miss being pregnant. Despite the situation i was always happy, there was so much to look forward to. I miss feeling him move in my tummy.