Fire and brimstone

My dad was asked to speak at the church Jaramie and i got married in this passed sunday. He called me and asked if i wanted to give my testimony. I did. I had always knew that i would have a chance to speak there one day, i dont know why i just had a feeling about it. I got up there and of course i immediately started crying. I couldnt help it. I have never spoken in public before so i was nervous. Everyone said i did fine. I felt like i was rambling though. There was so much i could say, i couldve talked for an hour but i tried to keep it short. I was glad to do it. Share my story, even though it didnt have the ending everyone wanted but it was my story and God hand picked me for the job and even though i fail him daily and he loves me and i am sharing my faith and its all worth it. What we make of our love for God is our place and no one elses. One thing that does stand out in my mind was looking at Jaramies face sitting in the congregation. His face and eyes turned red. I hated that he got upset, when i returned to my seat i could see where tear drops had stained his shirt. I love him very much.
I hadnt heard my dad speak in over 10 years it seems like, actually i think its been longer than that. I think the last time was when i lived in Kansas. I miss those days. There is something about Kansas that i love and i always will. Dads speaking was powerful and he spoke about things that we all needed to hear. This is why he's so good, it was things that most people dont speak about in fear of offending someone, like homosexuality. Wish you all couldve been there.

Anywho, ive been working alot! I missed my clients so much. I love my job, so glad im alive.
Taking one day at a time.

Bulletproof

I have been in such a great mood for the last couple of days! So glad that im alive. I am starting to think i have super powers and that i am bulletproof, now if i can just switch on my invisible power or fly i think some days id be anywhere but here. I definitely do feel the absence of my son. I am missing him. This is one of the true struggles of life, trying to fill a void. There is nothing to fill it with, i know bc i have been trying. I am not a negative person, in fact i like to think of myself as being very optimistic and positive. I take the bull by the horns bc my life is what i make of it. I find myself in difficult positions having to tell people what happened. Its a sad story, one that sometimes i relive when i am telling it. And its a place that i am trying to move on from. When i got better i hated the idea that i was going to have to go on my blog, pprom support group, and kanalen website and tell this story that has such a sad outcome. Its just not me. I hated it bc i didnt want to scare the ones that were going through the same thing. I know bc i read a couple of devastating stories and cried for these ladies and their families. I dont come across many situations in this life i cant shake off, dust myself off, and walk away from, most of the time with a smile on my face. This is one i cant. Theres no smiling about losing my son. Well i guess im not invincible after all, dang it. I am thankful for this old soul in this young body. Still on this staircase, got to keep stepping. Headed up!

Back from Mexico, a letter from the dr waiting for us.....

We just got back from Mexico yesterday. We had a wonderful time!! My brothers wedding was beautiful and i was honored to do Brandi's hair for the ceremony. I was a bit nervous about being around my mother since i havent spoken with her since the day i had Mason. I do intend on speaking with her soon about how she let me down but my brothers wedding was not the place or the time. So i put Shane first and my needs aside because this was his time. The whole week was great. We relaxed and laid on the beach, spent entire days in the pools and ate til we were about to burst. Swimming up to pool side bars and getting ice cream was great! We all got massages on the beach just about everyday. I got a energizing body mask in the spa that included a body scrub, mask, scalp massage, and full body massage front and back, so great. We also rented a car and drove down to Xel Ha which is a park where a fresh water spring runs into the ocean. We tubed down the river then snorkled in a lagoon and in Mayan caves. It was so beautiful! One of the most awesome days of my life. I didnt realize there was such beauty in Mexico. I talked to my brothers wife earlier and they are already planning where we are all going next year, i cant wait. When we got home there was a letter in the mail from my drs office. In the letter he apologized that it took this long to get to us and that the test results were in from Mason. The letter says that Mason had a disorder called Klinefelter syndrome. Every male has one X and one Y chromosome. Mason had 2 X chromosomes. The dr stated that this acounts for the complications i had in my pregnancy. When the human body detects problems often times it will try to abort the pregnancy. Klinefelter occurs in 1 out of every 1000 males. The severity varies. Generally it is not fatal. In fact some men have an extra X chromosomes and may never know bc the symptoms are undetectable. Finding this out gives me great comfort and peace of mind knowing that its not stemming from a problem with my uterus. I was afraid that all of the radiation i received may have had a negative effect on my uterus making it weak and unable to carry a baby. Masons Klinefelter syndrome was not severe. I am thankful for that too. Klinefelter syndrome is not hereditary, it occurs spontaniously when the sperm and egg meet. The dr does recommend that Jaramie and i have a genetic work up done before we try to have another child. We will in the months to come. We are not sure when we will try to conceive again. I want to wait awhile. Squeeze in a couple more vacations!

Today has been a great day, ive been in a great mood and feel normal again. My half sister found me on facebook today and i have been trying to get in touch with her for awhile. I am so glad, i havent seen her since my wedding in 2008. She and i are planning on meeting up in Oct. in Memphis to spend some much needed sister time together! We have the same father, she moved away years ago to Georgia with her mother. I cant wait to see her and give her a big hug!

Work is going great, everyone is managing to hunt me down before i even get a chance to call them to tell them i have returned to work. When i did my first color the other day i remembered how much i love this job. God has blessed me with a great career.

Jaramie's younger brother just found out that he is going to have a boy, Lee is due in Jan. I got the baby a shirt in Mexico. I almost cried everytime i looked at it. I also gave them all the baby clothes and diapers i had already bought. I also bought them another pack of diapers today. I cant wait til he is born, to hold him.

Thank you God for this life and everyone in it, as well as the beauty of this earth and most of all love.

Baby turtles!

I went to the cemetary today. I took my dad out there to see where we buried Mason and where i want to be buried, at the foot of my child. It was weird to me to think this is where i will be laid to rest one day. I havent really thought that far ahead in my future. I put the wreath my aunt Martha made that has flowers in it from when we renewed our vows. I also took some pictures for Jaramie to see. I need to go to Emerson and pick the baby a headstone and pick out a bench with my aunt Jeannie with Masons name on it. It really makes me happy that she is doing this for us. I like seeing people acknowledge him.





We went to the mall today and had a great time. Stef and the kids came. It was sweet to wheel my dad in a wheel chair through the mall while the kids took turns riding in his lap. Jace really enjoyed hanging with papa Kenny. Dad told us he would buy us something but Stef and i could not find anything hardly, end of the summer shopping stinks! We had fun though and
wish times like that were more often.




We leave for Mexico on sat morning!!! I have been packing and im ready to get to the beach and write Masons name in 5the sand. I made a shadow box with the Masons pictures, blanket, and hosp bracelet. I also made a gift for my brother, its a shadow box. Shanes wedding is going to be amazing. My cousin just got back from royal playa. She said it was nice down there. We all need a break. Even Stef does, bless her heart. They got into an accident when they went to a baseball game in memphis. I was with the kids. I am so glad that they are ok. Her car is going to have to go in the shop. She is also about to start school. So we are all excited about Mexico. Brandi has made tye-dye shirts we all have to wear. They say wedding crashers. Good for pics.





We hatched out about ten baby turtles! We watched them break open the eggs and run out. They were the size of quaters. If my computer was working i would have put the pics along with the florida pics. I will as soon as i can. It was so sweet. Jaramie amazes me, he really loves the simple things in life.





I am so glad to be working again. I missed it! I felt that i had abandoned my children. I have had a great response from my wonderful clients. I really love coloring hair.



I am not feeling well this afternoon. Maybe some stress/anxiety about trivial things. I have comteplated going to a local support group for mothers who experienced loss. They meet once a month. I will check in to it when we get back.



Thanks to God for everything he has provided me in this life!

Shopping

I went to the mall by myself for the first time since April. It was great!! I forgot how much i love to shop. The downside is that both times i went someone asked how the baby was. We kept my niece and nephew for my sister and brother-in-law while they went to a ball game. I love them so much. They are so thoughtful to be so young. Jace will be 4 in august. How sweet it is to have a three year old to tell you they are glad that you are feeling better. He also told me he was glad i could walk again when i finally got out of the hospital, he then realized that i would be able to drive my car too, he is so funny. Watching them grow is one of my favorite things about this life.

I have not been to the cemetary since we buried our son, i am going to visit this week. Ive got a few things to take out there. I am going to put 2 angels and a wreath on his grave. I plan on going with my aunt this week to the funeral home bc we she is going to order a bench with Masons name on it for his grave so i can sit out there. She is thoughtful.

I really miss being pregnant. Despite the situation i was always happy, there was so much to look forward to. I miss feeling him move in my tummy.

Its been a minute

Unfortunately when i got back from Florida i discovered my lap top has a virus. My bestie let me borrow hers, thanks Kierra!!!
Since returning from Florida i have really felt like my old self again. I now realize that i may have been a little depressed. I used to cry everyday, i dont as much now.
Jaramie and i renewed our vows while we were there and it was great. Much sweeter the second time. My family really went out of their way to make it a special day for us. I was really happy bc my cousin let me wear part of her wedding dress. Im sentimental like that. I had bought a dress to wear and my cousin had a 2 piece and we put the top piece over my dress and it looked great! My aunt let me wear a pair of my grandmas earrings, that really meant alot to me. We got married next to the Braden river and my cousins children were our ring bearer and flower girl. They were so cute and did such a great job! During the ceremony Jaramie and i both cried. Neither of us cried at our wedding 2 years ago. We have came through alot, together. I will be posting the pictures of it on facebook as soon as i get my computer fixed. My cousin took the pictures and she did a great job!

I started back to work today. Im only going to go back to work a couple of days a week for now. I started calling all of my clients yesterday and they all wanted to make appointments so i had to stop when i got to the B's in my address book bc i didnt want to over do it this week. Everyone has been really happy im back! I love all my clients so much, i feel as if they are family to me. I felt as if i had abandoned my children when i had to quit work. Dont get me wrong it was worth every second of it, i did the best i could for my son and i am proud.

Also, my pprom mom friend that we stopped to visit in Atlanta had her baby girl!!! She had no measurable fluid the last few times they checked her i believe and she is doing well!! Most of the mothers from the pprom support group i have been keeping up with have had their babies and they are doing so well! Please keep them in your prayers!!

I went to the dr and i dont have a UTI. He put me on 2 meds for the bladder spasms. So far nothing has changed so we will see.

When i get home

We have been here in Florida for a week now, we are going home on mon. We have had such a great time, our family here is so great! Makes it hard to leave. Ill be looking forward to getting home bc im ready to see my family. Please keep my cousin Wesley in your prayers bc he is taking care of my grandpa and sometimes its hard on him. I am thankful for him, hes done a great job staying with him, i know its hard. When i get home i have to go back to the dr bc i am having trouble urinating. I called the my dr and spoke to his nurse and i describe my symptoms and she seems to think i am still having bladder spasms. I research it and it can be caused from surgeries. Nerves may have been cut that is causing my bladder to spasm and it is causing me some pain in my abdomen. So they want me to come in when i get back in town. They will do a urinalysis first to rule out anything anatomical(UTI, bladder infection, etc..). Hopefully it will not be anything that involves any type of surgery. It really bothers me every time i urinate, pretty painful. My bladder just goes into spasms. Good news for us today...i started my period. The dr told me he didnt have any idea when i would. This is a great sign and means i am ovulating and things are working right since my uterus has been through so much. After i have 2 periods the dr wants me to come in and do a dye test to make sure there are no blockages in my tubes. Since i had to quit work when my water broke and i was on bed rest i was on state medicaid insurance. Well now they have started denying alot of my medical bills. I am faced with some hefty bills coming i know. I am not quite sure what to do. I know that drs are only human and make mistakes but medicaid will only cover my first surgery. Not the second emergency surgery and 2 additional weeks in the hosp as well as post op visits and tests. It has been suggested to me that i need to talk to a lawyer. Even a nurse one night told me that she thought the hospital should have to take care of all of my bills for me. I have no hard feeling in what happened but i cannot afford the medical bills i know are coming. Especially when there was a serious mistake made. I may ask the dr if he could help or there is anything we could do before i speak with a lawyer.

Tomorrow is our last full day here and Jaramie and i are renewing our vows on the beach tomorrow at sunset!! My family here has really went out of there way to make it a special occasion!! It is going to be so much fun and so very special, i think we may renew them every year!! I want to thank Henry and Martha for everything!! And thanks to brother Wayne for officiating our ceremony! Ill blog the details soon!

I also wanted to say Congrats to all of the mothers from the Pprom support group who have had their babies!! Please keep them in your prayers. I am so happy for them, i know the road they have traveled and i am praying for them. Also, please pray for the Pprom mothers who are still carrying their babies, they are staying so strong, its so hard. I hope no one ever has to go through an experience like this. Keep baking mamas!!! Also, i have joined support groups for parents who have suffered loss. Please say a prayer for these parents who have lost a child. As i read i have realized how some of these mothers are having such a hard time, its heart breaking. I pray that they find find peace and heal. I feel as if i am dealing with our loss really well, there are still times that are difficult, i never know when it will hit or what can trigger it. I feel at peace, our son is with the lord and i am proud. We will be together some day, that thought makes me smile. So i cherish the time i have here with my family, im afraid time will pass alot faster than we want. Hard to decide whether to pray for time to slow so i can be here or for it to pass fast so i can see my sons. So ill just pray that Gods will be done and he uses me how he needs to.

Peace

We are in Florida visiting family. We needed to get away and i have a wonderful aunt and uncle that live here in Tampa and invited us down. We are having a wonderful time. I am enjoying visiting with her the most. I have been really tired nearly everyday. I realized i havent been up and around more than a day or two. We have been here since Friday and ive been trying to keep up but i feel so tired. My back hurts and now my incision has become a little more tender. It really is going to take me awhile to get back to normal. I have had such a great time playing with my little cousins they are so sweet. I wish my niece and nephew could be here. I really miss them. My aunt told Jaramie today that we need to move down here so i can have some peace. Ive been thinking about it. It would be nice. We'll see. I do look up to my aunt. She is a great mother and wonderful grandmother. She loves her grand kids so much. She does crafts with them and all kinds of things. I love to see this. I want to be like her when i have grand babies. Today we went to the Florida aquarium in Tampa and i saw a little baby boy in a stroller he had cute little chubby legs and he was make noises with his mouth, then for the first time i really thought about having another baby. I told Jaramie maybe we could try in January. He said we'll see. Im sure he is still pretty shook up from everything that happened. I know if i had been in his shoes id be the same way. I hate that he had to go through all of that but it has brought him closer to the Lord and id do it all again if i had to. After all Jesus gave his son so we could have eternal life and we will get to be with our son again bc of that. I am so thankful. Jaramie went fishing on the pier last night and threw out his throw net to catch bait fish and a dolphin jumped right beside it, he thought it was in his net. Thankfully it wasnt bc the 200-300lb dolphin would of pulled him off the pier and under. It scared me. I thought, when the lord is ready to take Jaramie he will. I have begun to accept death. My aunt told me today that grandma used to say "you celebrate at a funeral and cry at weddings". That is so true, i know next month i will cry at my brothers wedding and when my grandmother passed away 4 days before i had Mason i told my dad that it was the time to celebrate her life and the special moments we shared with her, when he called me crying. It was a hard week for my family, Monday we lost my grandmother, buried her wed., i went into labor fri. and Mason passed then i almost did. I didnt get to attend my grandmothers visitation or funeral bc i was on bed rest. I would have been so hard. I miss her so much. Family is so important. Being here has made me realize how close i am with my sister. We talk several times a day and since ive been here i havent talked to her much and i really miss her. When i was on bedrest she would come over and help so much. She would vacuum, sweep, do laundry, wash my hair, and feed me. All why taking care of her 3 and 4 year old little ones. She also would go to Memphis when we would go see the specialist. She is a wonderful person and i am proud to be her sister. God has blessed me with such a wonderful family.

We want to thank Henry and Martha for the wonderful time here. I really needed it Martha, you have been so good to me and an inspiration. Thank you for listening and the support. I love you.

A special stop

So when we decided that we were coming to Florida and i realized that we were going to be going through one of the cities that one of the mothers on the pprom support group lives in i sent her a message and asked if she wanted a visitor. She did! She has been in the hospital on bedrest since her water broke about 10 weeks ago i believe. I wanted to stop by and say hi, bring her some gifts and pray with her. I was so excited. I was alot more nervous than i had anticipated when it came to praying with her, almost a complete stranger. I think about Jesus and his time here on earth. I was proud she let me. We had a good visit and we got to meet her son, he is such a sweet boy. Made us laugh he was too cute. She is expecting a girl and things are going well. She is in a great hospital and from what little she told me i think she has a great doctor. He has had her in the hospital since her water broke. My family and i were in shock when they sent me home on strict bed rest when my water first broke. Turns out her dr kept her bc they had a woman whose water had broke and they sent her home on strict bed rest as well and she went in for weekly visits and ended up with a temp of 99.3 so they admitted her and 24 hours later she and the baby passed away from infection. That hit home with me. There is not alot of information out on cases like ours bc they have been so rare. I do hope that is going to change soon.

Amber is in good spirits and she is doing an excellent job mothering her little girl who is nestled in her belly. I pray that she keeps her cooking til 34 weeks at least. I am thankful i had the opportunity to visit her. I have such hope for her and the others mothers from the support group. I wish i could meet and pray with all of them.

Thank you Amber and i cant wait to see pictures of your little girl when she arrives!!

Thoughts

We are in Florida visiting family. I am glad to be here. I really love and miss my family that lives here. They are very supportive and i will be sad to leave. I would love to move here. I get so tired alot. Its hard to get used to. I couldnt really do any of the driving here bc i felt exhausted. Ive felt really tired since ive been here. I just dont have the energy to keep up with everyone else yet. Seeing as how i only have been out of the hosp. for 3 wks i guess its understandable. Being in the hosp. took alot more out of me than i wouldve thought. We have really been having a good time here. Taking it slow, relaxing, and visiting with my family. Today we went to Venice beach looking for sharks teeth, the weather was great. On the way back from the beach i heard a song on the radio that made me cry, i tried to fight it but i couldnt. I did manage to hide it from Jaramie. I dont want him to feel bad. It hurts to think how i never got to hold him. We wanted to hold him in our laps and tell him about God. Now God is holding him in his lap telling him about us. He will always be apart of our lives, i am thankful.

I love so much about life. Every time i enjoy things about life i feel blessed, but i know our true rewards are in heaven. I find peace in knowing that the bible says we cant possibly imagine what awaits us in heaven. Its hard to imagine that there could be greater things than the love we share with each other here but i am excited.

Things i love here on earth and with heaven being greater i cant imagine:
Jaramie and everything about him
Stefanie and her 2 beautiful children
My relationship with my dad
My brother and his wonderful fiance
My family, i am blessed with a large one, thankful for every one of them
Life
Laughter
Love itself
Lemons and fresh ripe figs
Sunshine and the beach
i could go on and make a list longer than you would care to read

God has given me a third chance at life. God has a purpose for me. A doctor made a mistake and i almost didnt make it, i am not angry in the least. He is human just as i am. Sometimes i am concerned about trying to have another baby, i could go to see the most experienced, highly recommended doctors in the world and all they could tell me is what they think. They will not know. Only God knows and i take comfort in that. I fully trust in him. I realize now more than ever he is in control and can take any of one of us at any moment. We need not get too comfortable here bc it is only temporary. I have accepted this more now than ever. Life is a fragile blessing, one thats was given in love.

A friend recently lost her boyfriend, i talked to her last week and told her that it looked like June was a rough month for both of us. I told her that maybe God sent him here to bring her closer to God. Not just her but many. It has touched me.

I am a member of a couple of support groups on the internet and since i have been here in Florida i havent been on the computer. I got on here today and checked the pprom board and 3 of the mothers have had their babies. These are mothers that had their membranes rupture early just as i did. One little one gained his wings, the others are doing well. Please keep these mothers, babies, and their families in your prayers.


I also wanted to add that we are VERY thankful for those who have acknowledge Mason and have been supportive in any way.

A special thanks this week to:
Wesley
Stefanie(as always, love you!)
Dad
Martha and Henry
Amber Salway and her lovely son
Emily and Andrew
John and Dana
and most of all God

Getting out

Today i would have been 24 wks pregnant. I would have been admitted to the hospital in Memphis because 24 weeks is when the medical community consider a child viable. Meaning that the baby can survive outside of the womb. God has given me peace. I am getting stronger emotionally and physically everyday. I am really beginning to feel more like myself again. I started driving again. I have only went a few places. I really prefer just to stay at home. I really dont want to get out much yet. I really need my hair cut but i still dont know if i can be around everybody without talking about everything and crying. That is why i am not in any hurry to get back to work. I have a very social job as a hairstylist. Meaning i will have to tell each and everyone of my clients about everything that has happened. So ill probably cry from time to time for awhile when i do go back to work. Before my water broke i worked at a big salon. Ive been thinking about finding another place to work, somewhere that is smaller bc i dont feel like being around alot of people. I would like a place where i can have a private spot. I do want to share my experience with each of my clients, as many people as i can. I can see Gods plan really working in my life. With my job i have the opportunity to speak one on one with many people. He has brought me through this so i can share my faith with others. A task i am proud to do. I have not only been given a second chance from survivng stage 4 cancer but a third in surviving this. God had a purpose for me and i intend to fill it the best i can. I have decided to return to work at the end of August. My brother is getting married in Mexico in Aug. and we are all going and spending a week there. Im returning to work after that.

On a lighter note i have discovered that i now have stretch marks!! Jaramie is calling me stretch, he better watch it lol. He's part of the reason i have them!

This weekend we went with my sister and her husband to the lake. I was nervous about going bc i wasnt for sure i was going to have enough energy to keep up with everyone. It was the first time i spent a whole day up and around. I did well. The second day i felt a little sore like i had been exercising the day before. We had a great time, i am glad they invited us. We love spending time with our niece and nephew. Jaramie got to fish alot and we ate some great food, my brother in law is an excellent cook. It was nice to get away.

Very thankful

I was reminded today of how thankful i am for my son. This morning Jaramie and i were dealing with life and he said we needed to pray about it. He prayed with me right then and there. We started praying together when we bacame pregnant with Mason. There is so much we are thankful for. I am so proud, good things are happening in my life.



We all will experience some kind of loss, pain, and what not. It is life, im just glad ive had the chance to experience so much love.



We are about to go and take a much needed trip to Florida where i have family. God has blessed us with lots of wonderful family. On the way down there i am excited bc i am going to stop and see a friend of mine, shes a pprom mom. I want to pray with her.



Thanks to each person who has prayed and been here for us:)

Understanding

Its been 4 weeks now. I just got back from going to the lake with my sister and her husband. I was nervous about going because i havent been anywhere since April and i didnt know if i had the strength to go. We went and i did fine. I didnt do as much as everyone else bc i didnt have the energy. I really feel my age like i never have before. 28 is not that old but it is going to take me alot longer than i expected to be back to normal. Physically and emotionally. I am thankful for my sister for keeping me busy and my mind off of things. I am very disappointed in some of my family. I wasnt going to mention it. No one really knows but my mother has not checked on me once since ive had the baby. I have not seen or talked to her. I am really bothered by this. Here i have had difficulty in having children and someone who has 3 healthy children doesnt show any concern. I just want to shake her and ask what is wrong with her. She has been blessed and takes it all for granted. I am praying about it and i ask that you all keep her in your prayers as well. When i was in labor she tried to argue with me. During one of the most special days in my life. She disrespected my son, husband, and I. I told her it was not the time or the place. She didnt care, her husband told her to stop and she didnt. I finally asked her to leave and she wouldnt. Then i started crying, i told her, here i am laying with my child in my belly who has passed away and you want to start a argument. Finally she left. As she always does she tries to make everything about her. I have had enough, she cant hurt me anymore bc i wont let her. She has been through alot, i used to feel sorry for her. I dont anymore. I am praying that God gives me peace and forgiveness. Please keep us in your prayers. Ive prayed about her for years. A girl needs her mom, especially in a time like this. I wouldnt wish this upon anyone, and if it had to happen im glad it happened to me and no one else. Im sad for her, that she cant be with me during a time like this. I am thankful for everyone who has been here for us during this difficult time. I am ashamed and embarrassed that she has done this to us.

The new "normal"

This is the new normal for me now. Its not easy getting used to it, like anyone would want to. But i will. I feel i have a message now to share and i want to share as much as i can. I find comfort in knowing our story can touch others.

End of June

Time has flown by. My day today didnt start out too good. I had a dream that i was at a college some where living in a dorm. When i woke up i thought im glad im passed those days. Then i felt empty bc i am supposed to be getting ready for a baby who would soon be my whole life, my reason to be here. But now i dont have that to look forward to. Lately i have been finding comfort in telling anyone i can about what has happened to us and telling them how we give God the glory. Its seems that people are more thankful for their families and such after they hear our story, this is comforting bc we know Masons experience wasnt without a purpose. I am a positive person and i love life, i am always looking at the bright side of things, trying to find the good. But this has been alot harder on me than i couldve imagined. Im going to blame hormones and take comfort in knowing that they will be settling as time goes by. So as of lately i have been staying home. Crying a bit more than id like to but i cant help it. Tomorrow we are leaving for the lake with my sister, her husband, and kiddos for the 4th. I havent got away to do anything yet. It will be good for me. On mon Jaramie and i are leaving for Florida. I have family in Tampa and we are going to stay with them for a week. I am excited about getting away. Then Aug 7-14 we are going to Cancun for my brothers wedding. We have alot coming up and i think it will help me out of this slump and to move on. I plan on going back to work at the end of aug or beginning of sept. I havent really been wanting to do anything. I havent even wanted to think of going back to work. But i need to. I will focus more on what my plans are when i get back from Florida. I am really excited about going to Florida.
When i was in the hospital one of the nuns came by and brought me this poem, i really like it. Thank you sister.
A PLACE FOR ME
There is a special place in life, that needs my humble skill, a certain job im meant to do, nobody else can fill. The hours are demanding, and the pay is not good, and yet i wouldnt change it for a moment, if i could. There is a special place in life, a goal i must attain, a dream that i must follow, for i wont be back again. There is a mark that i must leave, however small it be, a legacy of love for those who follow after me. There is a special place in life that only i may share, a little path that bears my name awaiting me somewhere. There is a hand that i must hold, a word that i must say, a smile that i must give, for there are tears to blot away. There is a special place in life that i was meant to fill. A sunny spot where flowers grow, upon a windy hill. Theres always tomorrow, and the best is yet to be, and somewhere in this world i know there is a place for me.
Grace E. Easley

Post-op drs visit

I have been out of the hospital for 9 days now. Today was my first drs visit post-op. It was nice bc i actually got to walk in the office bc since April ive had to ride in a wheelchair in there. It is the only place i went while i was on bedrest. The dr came in and asked if we were planning on having another baby. I was glad. He had asked me when i was in the critical care unit and i told him no. He didnt take me seriously bc i was heavily medicated. Jaramie and i have been back and forth on this. When i was in the hospital we didnt want to bc everything we went through was so traumatic. There was a time when they told me i had pneumonia and that i needed another blood transfusion i was afraid that my body was failing me. It was a scary time for us. Physically and emotionally i never want to go through something like that again. I am young, resilient, and i have God on my side. Each day we heal more and more. We decided that we might want to try again but not for awhile. He told us i needed to wait at least 6 mos bc my body had been depleted of everything. He asked what birth control i would like. I havent taken birth control in 6yrs. Jaramie and i agree that the side effects of birth control are not worth it bc of my past medical history. The dr agreed and said because if it is going to happen its going to happen to you. He said he wasnt for sure when i would have a period but after i had a couple to call bc he would schedule a dye test to make sure there were no blockages in my tubes. Ive never had any and im sure i dont now but it wont hurt. For the first time in awhile i was happy and this put me in a good mood. I actually felt like myself again. Jaramie and i definetly want a child of our own. We will pray about it and leave it in Gods hands. We also had genetic testing sent out on Mason. They told me that they usually are not successful in getting any results. However the dr said bc he hasnt heard anything that is a good sign so maybe we will have some answers as to what happened and why it happened. I also asked if my uterus was scarred, he said there is some scarring from when he took Mason out, a part of my uterus came out bc he was fused to my uterus, this was nothing he was concerned about. I will stay w this dr for my care for now and have the dye test done. When we get ready to conceive again i will be going to a specialist. I have already spoken with my perinatologists nurse and they are going to refer me to a specialist they know. The closest specialist are in Memphis. So for our next pregnancy we will be seeing a specialist from the beginning.

Burial

We layed Mason to rest on Thurs. at Willis Cemetery. We buried him on top of Jaramies grandfather Bill Wiley. It was Jaramies grandfathers birthday also. Jaramie was very close with his grandfather so that is exactly where we wanted his final resting place to be. Everything was beautiful. It is under a huge shade tree. We had just a few close family and a nice message spoken by brother Pat Graham. He spoke about Mason being sent here to serve a purpose which was great because that is what i am always telling people. We want to thank everyone for their lovely plants and flowers as well as prayers, love, and support.

Friends i havent met

I am a member of a couple of support groups of women who have or are going through Preterm Premature Rupture of Membranes. These women have been so supportive during these last few months. Now that I have had Mason they are really helpful. Emailing me and leaving messages of kind words and support. Of how their babies who didnt make were right there in heaven to greet Mason. I am thankful to each of them. I keep them all in my prayers, those whos babies didnt make it, those who are still fighting for theirs, and those whose babies have made it. Please include these mothers in your prayers.

Scar

Today all of my steri strips came off of my new scar. I have a new incision from my belly button down. Im not ashamed im proud, it is a badge of honor for the fight i put up for my son. I wear it proudly.

My thoughts

The first time i got to walk in the hospital Jaramie and i walked down the hall and into a play room for children and it had a huge window over looking the cemetery. I broke down when we got in there. I hadnt walked since April, that with the cemetery was overwhelming. I also remember the first time i got to take a stand up shower without an IV. Now that i am home i can walk around and do a few things. I would of stayed on bedrest the rest of my life for my son. A small price to pay.

We are thankful to the nurse we had. She has been with us since my water first broke in April. The day i went into labor she was with us the whole day, she even stayed with me after her shift ended. She also prepared a little box for us, it had pictures of Masons tiny feet and she made foot prints of his tiny feet on cards for us. She also put in there the blanket he was wrapped in along with a few other special things. She also came to see me in the critical care unit. She is not only my nurse but a friend. Sent for us by God. He has blessed us with so many wonderful people in our lives during these times. We had many wonderful nurses. Thank you ladies, we are proud to of had you by our side during these times.

Coming home

I was ready to leave the hospital but i wasnt ready to come home, to be here and not be pregnant. Since i spent the last 6 weeks on bedrest here it made it harder coming here. I cant really say that we lost Mason because i know where he his. I take comfort in knowing he is in heaven and will never know the pain and suffering of this world. God spared him and i am proud. Mason brought so many wonderful things to our lives. The one thing he brought out in almost everyone was their faith in God. I have never seen so many people display their love and faith in God than when he was here with us. He has brought Jaramie and i closer and closer to God, we pray together everyday now. I am proud also because he served as a witness of Gods love and presence. I am a mother to my hero.

Heaven

Mason Wiley Ross gained his wings Sat. June 5th and went to heaven. We looked forward to holding him in our lap and telling him about God. Now God has him in his lap telling him about us. We are very thankful that God let us have him for the time we did. He brought so many wonderful things to our lives.







Sat. June 5th I woke up at 5:35am and i was in pain. I thought it was the baby moving so i woke Jaramie up and had him put his hand on my belly in hopes he would move to a different position. The pain got worse, i had Jaramie call an ambulance. I wasnt sure it was labor bc of how bad the pain was. I started passing out and i couldnt breathe. I was vomiting bc the pain was so bad. I asked Jaramie to call my family bc i knew something was really wrong. I arrived at the hosp. and when i was checked i was already 3cm dilated. It was too late. The dr came in and did an ultrasound and he had already passed away. At this point i had already had pain medicine and my memory gets foggy. I only remember a few things that happened. I know Stef and Daniel were the first ones there. They were there during the ultrasound. The dr told us he was going to start me on pitocin, and give me an epidural and we were going to deliver. The pitocin was started and they continued to give me pain meds. More of my family started to arrive. The dr came in and said that we would be able to hold him after he was born. We also decided to let our family hold him too. I then dilated to 4 cm and they did the epidural. I passed out during it and then my blood pressure started dropping as a side effect of the epidural. They then put the bed in a position where my head was lower than my feet, called trendenburg i think. The anest. gave me a shot of epinephrine and i remember waking up a little. After they got me stable we waited awhile and then started to push. Nothing really changed as a result of pushing the first time. So after another good bit we tried to push again. I dont remember much but that it was so much more painful than i ever could of imagined and i almost couldnt stand it. Something was wrong. On top of that i could barely take a breath to give a good push. I had difficulty breathing since i first went into labor that morning. Turns out it is bc i have been on strict bedrest for 6 weeks prior. The dr then gave us news that was even worse. We were not going to be able to see or hold him bc the labor was putting too much stress on him. We later had to tell our family that and that was not easy, they were crushed. I remained incredibly calm and didnt cry during these times bc i was in shock and had to focus extremely hard just to understand what was going on bc i was heavily medicated. It really broke Jaramies heart, I have never seen him cry like that. That is one thing i do remember and it stings. During this time we had a wonderful nurse who stayed after her shift ended to help us, she also took pictures of Masons tiny feet and made little foot prints on cards for us and put these items, his hospital bracelet and a few other special things in a box with angel wings on it for us. I cant thank her enough. Finally after the second time of pushing the dr decided to do a D&C. It was around 9pm when they took me down. I dont remember going down, they had sedated me pretty heavily by then. It was only supposed to take 30-45 min. They didnt get to start til after 10pm bc once they got me down to the OR they couldnt get my blood pressure stable. They finally finished and told my family i was in recovery. It was around midnight. Most of my family left. When they took me back to my room Jaramie, his mom, my brother, and his fiance were the only ones left. As soon as they rolled me into my room i crashed, they pushed out my family called a code and brought in the crash cart. It took them about 20-30 min to get me stable. During that time my family were asked to move down the hall and they were terrified, they called the rest of my family and everyone rushed back up there. They finally let my family in to see me before they sent me down. They have told me what i looked like and about how they felt. I cant imagine anyone of them in that situation. The dr told them they were going to have to do exploratory surgery to find out what is wrong and that i was possibly bleeding internally. My family told me that i was as white as the sheet, my lips were blue, my skin was ice cold, and that my abdomen was really big and swollen. I was totally unresponsive. They gathered around me, put their hands on me and said a prayer. They then took me down. Im not sure what was harder on them. Me crashing or going down to the OR. I try not to ask them about it too much bc i can tell it is a painful memory for them. I cannot imagine that feeling. I have been told that my sister, brother, and Jaramie stayed up on either side of my head til they took me down, my angels watching over me, i love those 3 so much i cant describe. I dont really remember anything but i do remember at one time being in a place that was completely dark. I was scared, i didnt know where to go, i remember looking for a light but there wasnt one. I dont remember feeling like i was leaving this world just yet though. When they got me down to the OR they put me on life support then put a syringe in my abdomen and removed two 2 liter bottles full of blood. They then cut a hole in my belly button pumped me full of gas and then put a scope in to find out where the bleeding was coming from. They found a perforation on the top of my uterus. They then cut me from the belly button down and the ob over sewed the 2inch perforation on the top of my uterus. During the DNC the dr had accidentally cut my uterus and i was internally bleeding to death. They then gave me 6 units of blood and plasma. I woke up the next morning in the critical care unit and i thought i was still in my room. When i tried to ask why it was 530 am i realized i couldnt talk and my throat was sore. I finally got my dad and Jaramie to understand me and they were surprised to find out i didnt know what had happened. They told me what happened and i was shocked. I dont remember much of that day either. I was glad to wake up every now and then to see Jaramie. He was there as much as they would let him be. I also remember waking up from time to time and seeing different family members. I dont remember any conversations. After 2 days in the critical care unit i got to go back to the 5th floor. I was so glad to be able to have Jaramie sleep in a recliner next to me. They got me up a day or 2 later and it was painful. I had alot of pain all over. In my shoulders, ribs, lungs, abdomen, lower back, sides, and legs. The surgeon came in and told me that i would be sore bc blood is an irritant and like sand paper against every thing it touched. So internally pretty much every where would be irritated for me. He also said the pain in my shoulders, ribs, and abdomen was from the gas they pumped in me. It gathers in pockets and the pressure will be painful and press on nerves and what not. After 2 days in a there they sent me home. I did not feel like i was ready to come home. After the first morning home i started running a fever. The second morning i started vomiting and they admitted me to the hosp. again. My white blood cell count was really high which indicated that my body was fighting an infection. They started me on IV antibiotics and fluids. They also did an CT scan to look at my uterus. A 5cm hematoma had formed over the injury on my uterus. The dr told me they thought that my injury was still bleeding but not enough to cause concern. Then my red blood cell started dropping and i had to have another blood transfusion. I also still was having trouble breathing and my chest felt heavy at night when i layed down to sleep. The dr decided to do a CT scan on my chest to make sure i didnt have a blood clot in my lungs. The nurse came in about an hour after the CT scan and told me that i have pneumonia in my lower right lung. It scared me. But i was kind of relieved bc maybe the pneumonia was causing the fever. So they started me on 2 more IV antibiotics and breathing treatments. All together i was on 5 different IV antibiotics and i have to get a shot in the stomach once a day to prevent blood clots. After 2 days they did a chest xray and my pneumonia was clearing up. We caught it just as it was starting. I got pneumonia bc i had been on bedrest for 6 weeks and bc i was on life support. My have not been very active and squeezing out all of the fluid so my right one had became infected. After 9 days in the hospital my white and red blood cell counts were returning to normal and my fever was low so i finally got to come home yesterday. I was ready to leave the hospital but not ready to come home. This has been such an emotionally hard time for me. I cry a few times a day. I remember the first time i got to walk down the hall, I cried bc i hadt walked since April and bc at the end of the hall was windows over looking the cemetery. It made me sad thinking about Mason. I would also get scared at times bc i was afraid my body was failing me and that i might not leave the hospital. Also before i was dismissed from the hospital the first time i made arrangements with Emerson Funeral home for Mason. They had picked him up and were waiting on me to be released to have his funeral. Emerson kindly has provided all their services at no charge. We are thankful.

I am not angry or bitter that we lost our son and we had to go through this. I do grieve for him. I understand God has a reason for this. I know we will be with him again one day. I love God and trust in him. He has always taken care of me and i know he always will. This has brought Jaramie and i closer. It also has brought my father, sister, and brother back together and i am thankful. This has also showed me the ones who really love and care for Jaramie and I. I cant thank everyone enough for all the love, prayers, and support through these times.

Congrats Ashleigh!

I am excited bc i am a member of a support group for pprom moms and one of the moms on there just had her little girl! Her name is Ashleigh and her story is very similar to mine. She ppromd at 13w4d where as i did at 13w2d. The only difference is that during the whole time she didnt have any fluid that measured over 1.5cm (normal is 14-20). She had her last week! Despite all the drs telling her that her baby wouldnt make it or have lungs developed past a 13 week old. The drs were wrong. She was born at 28w6d and she has normal lungs of a 28.6 weeks old baby! Baby Victoria is doing well! She weighed 1lb 12oz. A week later she is 2lbs and off all oxygen and is breathing in her own!! This story gives us great hope and comfort. Today was a hard day for me bc today was my grandmothers funeral and i couldnt go. That combined with the wear of my nerves from being pretty much helpless made this day go by slow. I feel great most days and i stay in a good mood most of the time. I wish i could say that about today. It is also just plain stressful at times and could really get a person down if they let it. I have goals and plenty of things to look forward to so i always keep looking ahead. I am happy to have another day regardless of my mood and i thank God every morning when i wake up for another day with our baby.

Loss

My grandmother passed away today. I will miss her. We all will. Please say a prayer for my family. Its hard but lately i have been trying to learn about death so i wont be afraid of it. It was hard today telling my dad as he cried that everything will be ok, she has left the pain and suffering of this world. She will be in heaven where she will know the greatest love of all. This is a time now where we can celebrate and be thankful for all of the wonderful times we shared with her. It was a blessing to have her in our lives. We are here on this earth for a short time and our lives are filled with strife and struggles, this is all so we can turn to God. Also so we can display our faith in him for others. Love your family and cherish each moment that you have with them, family is a gift. I am thankful everyday for everyone that God has blessed me with in my life. We are doing well today, besides a little morning sickness the baby is moving around alot! Each day that i carry him is a gift and i am honored. God is good.

Another day!

We are having a good day! Although i leaked most of the night off and on. At this point our lil guy produces 2mL of pee (which is the amniotic fluid) an hour. So he produces 1.44oz a day. And it will increase as he grows! I was excited to read a story today where a mom that is a member of a pprom support group had good news! She pprom'd at 13wks4d, i pprom'd at 13wks2d, her little girl was born 3 days ago at 27wks 4days and is doing really well! The already have her off of the vent and on an oxygen mask! This is very comforting to hear and i keep all these ladies and their lil ones in my prayers. 39 days til they admit me to the hospital!!! I cant wait! That is when our boy can survive outside of my belly if need be. They will be constantly monitoring he and i for things like cord compression in case they need to get him out in a hurry. So today i started making a list of things we will need to be taking to the hospital bc week could be there for over 10 weeks. I have also realized that i will not be able to do any shopping or preparation here at home for the baby. So we will have to rely on my family for that. I am going to register a few days before i am admitted so when i do have a shower, which i probably wont get to attend, but that is ok, everybody will know what we need. It is weird bc right now all i have is 2 packs of diapers, a couple of onesies, and 1 baby blanket. Im not prepared and i dont have a way to on my own, ill have to totally rely on others to do that for me. God has blessed us with a wonderful family and i know they will take good care of us. They sure are doing a great job now by bring us meals, cleaning house, and "babysitting me". Thanks everyone! We love you all! Oh and i think we have a name picked out!!! I will let you all know in a day or two!! Thanks for your continued prayers!

3am

I was awaken at 3 am to alot of fluid leaking out. Since i havent leaked in a couple of weeks and according to my u/s on monday my sac was holding a normal amount of fluid. We had assumed i had sealed, we were all amazed and thankful to God our lil guy was floating around! Either the tear had tore again or i have a leak that is high on my sac. We called for an ambulance and checked the babys heartbeat with our doppler, his heartbeat was 153 which comforted us. I called for an ambulance bc when my membranes ruptured in April i went to the ER and had to wait 45 min crying the whole time, i wasnt doing that again bc the less i move and more i lay back the less fluid i lose. When i got to the ER we listened to the heartbeat again and it was 150. They had started an IV with fluids. I was glad bc the fluids go strait through my veins to the baby versus being digested then to the baby. I wish i could be on IV fluids 24/7. I plan on asking my ob next week if we can arrange something like that. They then sent me to labor and delivery and they put a monitor on my belly to check for contractions, there were none. Thankfully throughout this i have not had any bleeding, contractions, placental previa, and my cervix has remained closed. Some women i have been in touch with that are going through this have multiple problems so i am fortunate still. Dr Fields was on call so he came in and said he was bummed bc he has really been hoping for us. I told him that i have a feeling in my heart that everything is going to be ok and that God is with us. He said a prayer with us. He is a great man. My favorite nurse was also with me which was comforting and she said we have been in her thoughts and prayers and that she had been asking about us, the other nurse i had was wonderful as well.Everyone there has been super supportive, God is good. The Dr then did a sterile speculum exam to confirm that it was fluid and make sure my cervix was closed, it was fluid and my cervix was closed. You see this is such a rare case that there really isnt a protocol out in this yet so i have to be the advocate for my baby, therefore i have to really speak out about what has to be done, for instance when i was in the ER they were wanting to do an exam, i had to tell them no bc they i cannot get an infection bc it can be deadly for the baby and me. So while i was up in L&D they also did a bedside u/s to check the baby and fluid. The baby was doing well and the AFI(amniotic fluid index) was 3.66cm normal is 14-20. So i had lost alot. But there was still a little around him. I was glad. The dr decided to discharge me and give me another round of antibiotics. They told me to keep doing everything i had been doing bc it worked out well for us last time. On my way home home i got sick in the car and the pressure forced out more fluid. I also called and told my perinatologist what had happened. So now it looks like i will be admitted at 24 weeks which will be the first week of July. I am home now and i can feel the baby move alot more now, he's a fighter. I am drinking lots of fluid so he will be peeing and fill the sac up again. We are glad that there was fluid in there, it helped aid in the formation and growth of his lungs and gave him a chance to stretch out. We are thankful to God. We also want to say thanks to everyone for their continued prayers, love, and support.

The rest of the ultrasound results:

Yesterday i expected very little changed when we got to the specialist in Memphis. I had prayed and hoped for the best. I was ready to fight as hard as i could no matter what they were going to tell us. I am still in shock!! So thankful! Besides being told by the drs there was very little chance, i have spent hours researching and reading other Pprom stories searching for hope. Statistically and scientifically the chances were not in our favor for several reasons; my body could go into labor on its own at anytime. The babys lungs might not develop at all or not open if they did develop. There was also a danger of the baby or myself developing a dangerous infection, in that case they would of made me terminate bc it could of shut down all my organs. There was also a danger of cord compression, being no fluid the cord could be pinched off cutting off the babys blood and oxygen supply. Learning all of that i still had no fear bc i have God on my side. I kept researching and coming across alot of women's stories, i found a few success stories. Where babys had survived having no fluid most of the time. So that gave me tons of hope!

So as the tech did the u/s and then went to get the dr to look. He looked for awhile and told us that he wanted to talk to us about a few things he found in the u/s in a conference room. Once we were in the room he told us there we 3 things he found. First was that both of the babys feet were turned in at the ankles. This could be 1 of 2 things: it could be from the amount of time the baby went without fluid and the baby was growing and couldnt move them. Or it could be a condition called rockerfoot. Which is commonly associated with a genetic abnormality where there is an extra #21 chromosome, this can cause severe retardation and most infants die shortly after they are born and have major heart defects. The second thing he found was that there was light colored shading on the u/s in the babys bowels that was from blood the baby had swallowed bc i had bled the first 7 weeks i was pregnant. It is nothing that we have to be concerned with. The third thing was there was also light shading on a muscle in the babys heart, he said this was common to see in many normal pregnancies and he was not really concerned with that either. It may be a hole in the heart or it may not be. He said that we would know more when i come back in 3 weeks.

I am so so so thankful, this baby boy is gods creation and proof that he is the great physician and that through him ALL things are possible.

An answered prayer

We went to Lebonheur today to see my perinatologist Dr. Giancarlo Mari. When we checked in they took us back for our ultrasound. We have not had an ultrasound in about 3 1/2 weeks. At that time the amniotic fluid index was .5cm the normal is 14-20cm. So all of my fluid had leaked out. I was prepared today to go in and hear results that were negative, bc statistically and scientifically the chances were small of the sac sealing and fluid reaccumulating. When the tech started the ultrasound she stopped right away and grabbed my chart. She said, "last time there was no fluid right?" I said yes. I asked, why is there fluid? She said "yes, all around the baby." I said thank you God and tears were rolling down my face as Jaramie and i grabbed hands and smiled tearfully at each other!!!! The sac has healed and the fluid has reaccululated to the normal level! Dr. Mari said that the leak in my sac must have been high in the sac. This is truly a miracle from God. Throughout this i have known that God has been with us and that everything was going to be ok. I am still in shock though, this truly is a miracle!!!! God is so great! A good friend of mine sent me a msg and she couldnt of put it any better; proving that drs know statistics but faith, love, and hope conquer all! Thanks Amber:)

IT'S A BOY!!!!!


We really appreciate everyones prayers, love, and support! We couldnt of done it with out you all, God heard our prayers!

I am going to celebrate more with my family and i will post again later telling you all what our plan of care is and the rest of the ultrasound results are a little bit later, thanks again!

Dr's appt!!!

We are going to Lebonheurs today!!! Please keep our lil one in your prayers!!! Each day is a victory as we get closer to 24 weeks which is our first goal! I pray for health, strength, fluid accumulation and lung formation for our lil one! I also pray that God keeps me strong, healthy, and free of infection, also for strength for Jaramie. Amen

I will post as soon as i get home from Memphis!!!

Another day!

The last few days have been uneventful and that is how i like it. Nothing has really changed. We listen to the baby's heartbeat about 2-3 times a day and it always stays in the 150's! I have not noticed fluid leaking like i did a few weeks ago and that is comforting, hopefully my sac is healing! I have to go to Memphis on Monday to my perinatologist! I am so excited bc they will be doing an u/s so hopefully there will be some more fluid in there, the baby will be growing good, and we can find out the sex!!!!!!!!

To my clients:

I want to let everyone know how grateful i am for your friendships through the years. I am also thankful for your love, support, and respect for our privacy during this time. Even though i have not had contact with most of you i want you all to now as soon as we bring our baby home and everything is stable i will be back to work! I love and miss all of you! Thank you, and please keep us in your prayers!!

17 weeks!!!

I am 17 weeks today!!! The baby's heart beat is 154!!! 49 days and counting til ill be 24 weeks when they will admit me to the hospital in Memphis!!!! Other than that the day has been a normal one for us, drinking all this water makes my head float, hopefully its making the baby float too!!! Time for dinner, my mom brought roast beef and his mom made pork steaks so heres to getting fat!!!! "Jaramie bring me a bib!"

Happy Birthday Stefanie!

Today is my younger sister Stefanie's birthday. Stefanie is my best friend and i am so thankful i have her in my life. Stefanie was born years ago back around the time Kennedy was shot, just kidding! She was born in Dallas Tx in 1983 on a stormy day. I was only 17 mos at the time. My mom told me that when they brought her home from the hospital we were eating fried chicken for supper, Stefanie was laying in her bassinet and she started crying. My mom went into the kitchen to get her a bottle, i was eating a chicken leg and i thought she would like a bite of my chicken. So when mom came back in the room i was reaching over the bassinet and i had the chicken leg poking in her cheek trying to feed her! We have always taken care of each other. Stefanie has really stepped up to help me during this time. Despite her husband, 2 children, church activities, college classes, and studying for an entrance exam she find time to come over and help do everything. So we want to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! To a devoted and loving, sister, wife, mom, daughter and best friend! I love you Stefanie!! LCS forever!!!

5/18/10

The baby's heart beat this morning was 153!!! I had an ob visit at 3 today, it went well. The visit that i go to here is so that the dr can check my vitals to make sure that i am not developing an infection and to listen to the baby's heart beat. It was 155!!! Next mon the 24th i will be going back to Lebonheur Childrens hospital in Memphis to see my perinatologist. That is the appt when we will do an u/s and look and see what is going on. Hopefully a healing sac! Maybe some additional testing as well. I do know that in a couple more weeks we will be doing a fetal MRI to check the baby's organs!! Im excited and cant wait! Please keep us in your prayers!

I want to share some verses that mean alot to me:

"Thou hast covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise thee; for i am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works, and that my soul knoweth right well. My substance was not hid from thee, when i as made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest part of the earth. Thine eyes did see my sustance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there were none of them. Psalm 139:13-16

1PE 1:8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorius joy.

9:22 Jesus turned and saw her. "Take heart, daughter," he said, "your faith has healed you."And the woman was healed from that moment.

14:1 Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.

9:10 Those who know your name will trust in you, for you LORD, have never forsaken those who love you.

112:7 He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.

"If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountian, "Move from here to there," and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." -Matthew 17:20

Amen!

My airplane ride!

Going from working 6 days a week to bed rest hasnt been that bad so far, ask me again in 4 weeks. So ive dealt with staying in one place all the time pretty well. I have lots of love and support from my family, friends, and clients and that really helps. So my dad is an ag-pilot. He lives about an hour or so away so i only see him about once a week. He comes for long visits which i really enjoy, brings us food, and mows the yard for us. Thanks dad!!!
One day he called me and said that he was about to fly to Kentucky and he was going to fly over our house, he said we'd know when he was here. So about an hour later i was talking to my mother in law when all of a sudden, out of the window that is directly in front of me i saw his plane flying straight toward us. I pointed it out to Gail, he buzzed us, then he flew right behind the house really fast and all i could see was a yellow streak. Then he buzzed the front of the house where Jaramie and his brother were, Gail stepped outside at that point and waved at him, he waved back. I cried like a baby, it made my day. I was proud he did that for me to brighten my day. I love you dad!!!

A typical day for us now

Our lives have totaly changed now bc the doctors have me on strict bed rest. The only reason i can get up is to use the potty chair. How lovely! It will be totally worth it though. I started off not even showering but sponge bathing on my couch was not cutting it. I gave it a good try though, my sister Stefanie shaved my legs for me one day. My mom, sister, and Jaramie all washed my hair for me a few times by having me lay off of the edge of the couch and using a plastic tub. Jaramies mom helped me wash my face with a bowl of water and brush my teeth with a cup and bottle of water. Finally Jaramie's mom brought me a wheelchair and shower stool. You see the less i move around and stand the less chance of me losing fluid, it is important for the baby's lung function that there be some fluid in there for it to practice breathing. So now I take a shower every few days, some mothers that have experienced this only take a shower once a week, i try to go as long as i can. I want to say thanks to all my family for their help!!!! They are a huge help in bringing our baby into this world safely!!! I love y'all!!!
I take many vitamins and pills a day. I take vitamin E, C, Zinc, cranberry supplement, stool softeners, prenatal vitamins, and baby aspirin. The E, C, and Zinc can help aid in the sealing of my amniotic sac(praying that it will). The cranberry supplement is for warding off uti infections. The stool softener is so i dont have to push hard during a bm. Baby aspirin is to keep me from forming blood clots, i also have to wear anti-embolism stockings, i can only take them off for 30 min a day. I also drink milk and eat yogurt everyday to keep infections away as well. Along with drinking 64oz or more water a day. I have always had healthy eating habits which are great. Since i dont eat sweets that helps bc sugars bring on infections. I used to drink cokes all the time but i quit caffeine last oct and quit all sodas except sprite right before this happened, now i dont drink that either. Jaramie wakes up in the morning and cooks me breakfast and fills my water cups, then he gets me snack, refills my waters, makes lunch, then more snacks and water, then sometimes dinner and more waters, and then more snacks before we go to sleep. And he gets me all the little things i need in between. We he needs a break his mom Gail comes over or my sister will. My sister, Gail, and my mom also run errands and picks up groceries for us. My dad and brother have visited and brought food. Also we'd like to say thank you to the ladies at Needham Baptist Church for the meal, gifts, and prayers!!!! Jaramies mom usually cooks us dinner, calls when its ready and he goes and picks it up. She is responsible for me gaining 3 lbs in a week on one of my last dr's appt lol! Great food, we love it!! Mom almost always cooks something extra when she is here so all we can eat it at a later time. Everybody's help is greatly appreciated!!!!

Monday, May 17th!!

Another day!!!! The baby's heart beat this morning is 155! We pray everyday thanking God that we have another day with our baby. So far we have been sleeping in our living room since i got out of the hospital bc we have brand new furniture and tv. We picked out a new sectional that is huge and comfy so that is where we sleep so i can stay in one spot. Well now that has changed bc last thurs night i was bitten by a brown recluse!!! I am terrified by spiders anyway! It bit me on the back of the knee on my left leg. I havent cried since i was in the hospital, but when i got bit i was afraid it would affect the baby and it kind of sent my over the edge. This is a stressful time for me and i burst into tears. I couldnt even talk to the dr so i had Jaramie do it bc i was trying to stay calm and i knew it would make me cry. Thankfully the dr said it would not affect the baby. I called my mother in law and she said a prayer with me and that made me feel better as well. Jaramie has been so awesome and he has barely left my side. I am so proud of him. He's a great daddy already! This whole situation is really a blessing in disguise bc the dr has prescribed me steroids and antibiotics!!! The antibiotics will also help keep me from developing an infection and the steroids will help with the baby's lung development!!!! God sure does have a funny sense of humor, bc he knows how terrified of spiders i am!!!!! Thank you God for this spider bite!!! So terminix is coming to spray tomorrow, ill probably go spend the night with my mom, i have to go to the ob for my appt anyway so we will stay with her since we will be in town. Other that that my day has been the usual, i am eating alot lol and drinking tons of fluids and right now i can feel the baby moving around:)

Second opinions

From listening to what little hope the doctors here had given us and with my family encouraging me to get a second opinion or speak to a specialist i started making calls. I called St Jude and left a message my drs there. After speaking with a few different specialist offices i was basically told i needed to be referred by my ob to them. So i called my ob and they called a specialist at UAMS in Little Rock. They scheduled a appt for me via video conference for June 24th, i was absolutely not waiting for that, unacceptable. So the next day St jude returned my call and they had contacted a perinatologist at Lebonheurs Childrens hospital and told me they were waiting for my call. I called there and they scheduled me an appointment! So a few days later Jaramie and Stef loaded me up in the the back seat of my car and we headed that way. When we got there they checked my vitals and did an u/s (ultrasound). The baby was doing fine, 163bpm(beats per min)! The dr then came in, he looked at the length of my cervix, the placenta, and the fibroid tumor i forgot to mention earlier. He said things look fine bc my placenta was not attached to the tumor, it was attached above it. He also said i should be able to have a vaginal delivery bc the tumor should not get in the way. They also said that the baby was breach, which could change several times. The tech tried to see what the sex was but the cord was right btween its legs lol, maybe next time! I asked if there were any pockets of fluid around the baby's mouth and she looked, thought there might be but then realized it was the umbilical cord. She measured what fluid there was and it was .5cm afi (amniotic fluid index) better than none, normal is 14-20 cm i think. That could change anytime, i have to drink 64oz of fluid a day, the baby pee's and that is where the amniotic fluid comes from. So pee on baby pee on, cheers! We then were led to a conference room, i was in a wheelchair, i dont walk at all really. Jaramie bless his heart is not the best wheelchair driver, i think that may be his only fault. I love him so much, he has barely left my side. So once we were in the room the dr came in, a nurse, and a genetic counselor. The dr, a perinatologist Dr. Giancarlo Marri, began to tell us our options. We could induce, not an option, we could continue on bedrest where they would admit me there in memphis at 24 weeks which is July 7 2010. We then would want to make it to 34 weeks where we would then deliver. This in hopes that my sac would reseal, Jaramie asked him if he had ever seen this before, he said yes, a woman did after 7 or 8 weeks. Another option was he could go in and do an amniopatch. Where he would put a patch on the sac where the tear was. This he did not recommend that we do bc he said there are alot of risks involved and it could mask a real infection. At this point Jaramie and i just want to leave it in Gods hands. We could still have a relatively healthy child even if i didnt reseal. Anything is possible through God. 18-24wks i believe is when the lungs are forming, so hopefully there will be fluid pockets around the baby's mouth during those weeks. Please keep us in your prayers. The dr told us that around 20 weeks they would do a fetal MRI which is not harmful to the baby or me, to check all of the baby's organs. So i go back to Lebonheurs May 24th for and checkup where i believe they will do another us to measure the fluid and measure and chart the baby's growth. At this visit the baby was in the 40th percentile in growth. He/she weighed 4 oz! Little toot! But over the next 4 weeks the baby will double in size! Im excited bc the week of the May 24th ill be 18 wks, 2 wks after that ill be 2o where they will do the fetal MRI, then 4 wks after that they will b admitting me! I cant wait! I feel better being in the hospital bc i get monitored regularly and get plenty of iv fluids.

Genetic counseling

When i was at St Judes in Jan. having some tests ran they had made an appointment for me to meet with a genetic counselor. She told us that since my cancer was bilateral (on both kidneys) it could be genetically passed to my children. It was not genetically passed to me. We asked about the chances of this, she said there was a small chance, not big enough to worry and no reason not to have children. She said that when we had children that we didn't have to rush out and have ultrasounds done on them but to tell their pediatrician and to be just be aware. Little did we know we would get pregnant 2 weeks later!

My childhood cancer

At the age of 5 i was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, Wilms tumor to be exact. I was treated at St Judes Childrens Research Hospital in Memphis Tn. A wonderful hospital where i was successfully treated at that never cost my family anything. God is good. My cancer had spread to both of my kidneys, spots on my lung, liver, spine, and was para-aortic(around an artery). The spot on my spine wasn't discovered until testing i had done at St Jude in January of this year and they said that it looks like the treatments had killed it. The tumor on my right kidney was about the size of a grapefruit. I had 3 major surgeries where they removed my right kidney and 2% of my left kidney. I also had radiation to my abdomen and chemotherapy where i lost my hair. God pulled my through it, he has always taken care of me and i know he always will. He has a great purpose for my life and i am proud. Since my successful treatments i have now been in remission for more than 20 years! Please send donations to www.StJude.org.

Educating myself

So now that we were home and camping out on the couch everything started to set in. I got on the web and started researching, i didn't even know there was a name for what had happened. No one told me. It is Preterm Premature Rupture of Membranes, Pprom for short. I found a special website designed just for women who had pprom'd, http://www.kanalen.org/. It explained what was happening, advice, direction, tips, other pprom stories and support. Its main statement is that I am an advocate for my baby. It turns out that some women were not given any options and were forced to terminate, Ive read some heart breaking stories where women were almost forced to. Only later to find out their child should have been given a chance. On this website there are tons of stories, alot of successful ones that i have read 2 or 3 times. Ive also found other website, blogs, and support groups. Ive learned so much and have actually got to chat with some women who are going through this right now. Its nice to have someone to relate to. From these sites, studies Ive read, and other women's stories i have made a daily routine of things that will help. I'm willing to do anything i can to help my baby have a strong fighting chance. I also wanted to see a specialist or get a second opinion and learn all options and all i could. Apparently its up to me since i wasn't told anything really by the doctors and bc i didn't know what questions to ask. So i kept researching, called Little Rock UAMS Neonatology dept., St Louis maternal fetal medicine, and St Judes Childrens Research Hospital for answers.

The Beginning

I took the day off bc like most days i wasn't feeling good. Ive had tons of nausea and several bouts with morning sickness. My ob told me the sicker i am the healthier the pregnancy! On this day our new furniture was to be delivered as well so my sister and her 2 children came over to help. So about 30 min before the furniture was supposed to arrive i was standing in the kitchen and Emma and Jace were feeling of my tummy when all of a sudden i felt a leak. I went to the bathroom and realized my water was breaking. I called Jaramie and told him i was going to the er and we left. Unfortunately i had to wait about 45 min before they could get me back. I was crying so i had Jaramie wait in the er while i stood outside. I prayed. They finally called me back and did an ultrasound. The ultrasound tech wouldn't not tell me anything other than that there was a heart beat, which comforted me. She took me back to the room and we waited for the dr to come in. He finally did and told us that my water had in fact broken and there was very little left. He then admitted me to l&d (labor & delivery). About an hour and a half after i was settled in the ob on call finally came to talk to us. No good news, there was really no fluid left around the baby and that i probably would be going to deliver soon, or i could go ahead and induce. But there was a heart beat so inducing was not at all an option. He said the chances of this baby making it were less than 1%. So in my opinion there still is a chance! Jaramie asked if he had ever seen this happen before, he said no, I then said you haven't seen me before either. I also told him that through God all things are possible. Right then i realized this is my chance to really start witnessing to people, that maybe why all this was happening. I also had told my dad at the beginning of this pregnancy that i believed that this baby was going to bring my family together and change the world, i still do. So over the next few days we listened to the heart beat twice daily and they monitored my vitals. The heart beat was always normal. Normal is between 120 and 160bpm. It stayed around 140-150! The drs were expecting me to go into labor and deliver and they were watching bc having my sac ruptured is like having an open wound and i am in danger of getting a potentially deadly infection, and if i do they have to put my safety first and induce no matter if there is a heart beat or not. Still not sure i would let that happen. So after 48hrs they said we would do another u/s (ultrasound) and see if the fluid had re accumulated. When that time came we did the u/s and there was no re accumulation, we were hoping that the sac would have resealed. As the days went by i was so touched by how some of the drs told us we were in their prayers and other drs prayed with us. The nurses were phenomenal! They prayed with us, told us their miracle stories of faith and cried with us. It was probably most touching display of christian faith Ive ever experienced. It was really great when my niece Emma 4, said one day, i want to pray! So she got up by me and whispered a prayer. She since then told her mom that when my water had just broken here at my house Stef had sent them into the living room and she said she said a prayer for me then. She has also prayed with me since Ive been here at home. Its wonderful, Stefanie said that a child's prayer is one of the purest. I started to see how this what was a terrible experience for Jaramie and i was starting to be a beautiful display of many peoples faith in God, it was an entire experience of witness for many who needed it and was bringing some of my family together who had been estranged and that was so important to me! God is good! We are so thankful to everyone who came to the hospital with love, prayers, and support! Thanks Y'all!
So on mon. the ob came in and said he had spoken with a neonatologist in Little Rock and he said to send me home on strict bed rest and with a prescription of oral antibiotics.
Once we were home we had to get settled. Since we had just got new furniture my temporary bed would be our huge comfy sectional! It worked out good b/c when we picked it out i said i wanted one big enough that Jaramie and i could sleep on. Funny how things work out.