The new "normal"

This is the new normal for me now. Its not easy getting used to it, like anyone would want to. But i will. I feel i have a message now to share and i want to share as much as i can. I find comfort in knowing our story can touch others.

End of June

Time has flown by. My day today didnt start out too good. I had a dream that i was at a college some where living in a dorm. When i woke up i thought im glad im passed those days. Then i felt empty bc i am supposed to be getting ready for a baby who would soon be my whole life, my reason to be here. But now i dont have that to look forward to. Lately i have been finding comfort in telling anyone i can about what has happened to us and telling them how we give God the glory. Its seems that people are more thankful for their families and such after they hear our story, this is comforting bc we know Masons experience wasnt without a purpose. I am a positive person and i love life, i am always looking at the bright side of things, trying to find the good. But this has been alot harder on me than i couldve imagined. Im going to blame hormones and take comfort in knowing that they will be settling as time goes by. So as of lately i have been staying home. Crying a bit more than id like to but i cant help it. Tomorrow we are leaving for the lake with my sister, her husband, and kiddos for the 4th. I havent got away to do anything yet. It will be good for me. On mon Jaramie and i are leaving for Florida. I have family in Tampa and we are going to stay with them for a week. I am excited about getting away. Then Aug 7-14 we are going to Cancun for my brothers wedding. We have alot coming up and i think it will help me out of this slump and to move on. I plan on going back to work at the end of aug or beginning of sept. I havent really been wanting to do anything. I havent even wanted to think of going back to work. But i need to. I will focus more on what my plans are when i get back from Florida. I am really excited about going to Florida.
When i was in the hospital one of the nuns came by and brought me this poem, i really like it. Thank you sister.
A PLACE FOR ME
There is a special place in life, that needs my humble skill, a certain job im meant to do, nobody else can fill. The hours are demanding, and the pay is not good, and yet i wouldnt change it for a moment, if i could. There is a special place in life, a goal i must attain, a dream that i must follow, for i wont be back again. There is a mark that i must leave, however small it be, a legacy of love for those who follow after me. There is a special place in life that only i may share, a little path that bears my name awaiting me somewhere. There is a hand that i must hold, a word that i must say, a smile that i must give, for there are tears to blot away. There is a special place in life that i was meant to fill. A sunny spot where flowers grow, upon a windy hill. Theres always tomorrow, and the best is yet to be, and somewhere in this world i know there is a place for me.
Grace E. Easley

Post-op drs visit

I have been out of the hospital for 9 days now. Today was my first drs visit post-op. It was nice bc i actually got to walk in the office bc since April ive had to ride in a wheelchair in there. It is the only place i went while i was on bedrest. The dr came in and asked if we were planning on having another baby. I was glad. He had asked me when i was in the critical care unit and i told him no. He didnt take me seriously bc i was heavily medicated. Jaramie and i have been back and forth on this. When i was in the hospital we didnt want to bc everything we went through was so traumatic. There was a time when they told me i had pneumonia and that i needed another blood transfusion i was afraid that my body was failing me. It was a scary time for us. Physically and emotionally i never want to go through something like that again. I am young, resilient, and i have God on my side. Each day we heal more and more. We decided that we might want to try again but not for awhile. He told us i needed to wait at least 6 mos bc my body had been depleted of everything. He asked what birth control i would like. I havent taken birth control in 6yrs. Jaramie and i agree that the side effects of birth control are not worth it bc of my past medical history. The dr agreed and said because if it is going to happen its going to happen to you. He said he wasnt for sure when i would have a period but after i had a couple to call bc he would schedule a dye test to make sure there were no blockages in my tubes. Ive never had any and im sure i dont now but it wont hurt. For the first time in awhile i was happy and this put me in a good mood. I actually felt like myself again. Jaramie and i definetly want a child of our own. We will pray about it and leave it in Gods hands. We also had genetic testing sent out on Mason. They told me that they usually are not successful in getting any results. However the dr said bc he hasnt heard anything that is a good sign so maybe we will have some answers as to what happened and why it happened. I also asked if my uterus was scarred, he said there is some scarring from when he took Mason out, a part of my uterus came out bc he was fused to my uterus, this was nothing he was concerned about. I will stay w this dr for my care for now and have the dye test done. When we get ready to conceive again i will be going to a specialist. I have already spoken with my perinatologists nurse and they are going to refer me to a specialist they know. The closest specialist are in Memphis. So for our next pregnancy we will be seeing a specialist from the beginning.

Burial

We layed Mason to rest on Thurs. at Willis Cemetery. We buried him on top of Jaramies grandfather Bill Wiley. It was Jaramies grandfathers birthday also. Jaramie was very close with his grandfather so that is exactly where we wanted his final resting place to be. Everything was beautiful. It is under a huge shade tree. We had just a few close family and a nice message spoken by brother Pat Graham. He spoke about Mason being sent here to serve a purpose which was great because that is what i am always telling people. We want to thank everyone for their lovely plants and flowers as well as prayers, love, and support.

Friends i havent met

I am a member of a couple of support groups of women who have or are going through Preterm Premature Rupture of Membranes. These women have been so supportive during these last few months. Now that I have had Mason they are really helpful. Emailing me and leaving messages of kind words and support. Of how their babies who didnt make were right there in heaven to greet Mason. I am thankful to each of them. I keep them all in my prayers, those whos babies didnt make it, those who are still fighting for theirs, and those whose babies have made it. Please include these mothers in your prayers.

Scar

Today all of my steri strips came off of my new scar. I have a new incision from my belly button down. Im not ashamed im proud, it is a badge of honor for the fight i put up for my son. I wear it proudly.

My thoughts

The first time i got to walk in the hospital Jaramie and i walked down the hall and into a play room for children and it had a huge window over looking the cemetery. I broke down when we got in there. I hadnt walked since April, that with the cemetery was overwhelming. I also remember the first time i got to take a stand up shower without an IV. Now that i am home i can walk around and do a few things. I would of stayed on bedrest the rest of my life for my son. A small price to pay.

We are thankful to the nurse we had. She has been with us since my water first broke in April. The day i went into labor she was with us the whole day, she even stayed with me after her shift ended. She also prepared a little box for us, it had pictures of Masons tiny feet and she made foot prints of his tiny feet on cards for us. She also put in there the blanket he was wrapped in along with a few other special things. She also came to see me in the critical care unit. She is not only my nurse but a friend. Sent for us by God. He has blessed us with so many wonderful people in our lives during these times. We had many wonderful nurses. Thank you ladies, we are proud to of had you by our side during these times.

Coming home

I was ready to leave the hospital but i wasnt ready to come home, to be here and not be pregnant. Since i spent the last 6 weeks on bedrest here it made it harder coming here. I cant really say that we lost Mason because i know where he his. I take comfort in knowing he is in heaven and will never know the pain and suffering of this world. God spared him and i am proud. Mason brought so many wonderful things to our lives. The one thing he brought out in almost everyone was their faith in God. I have never seen so many people display their love and faith in God than when he was here with us. He has brought Jaramie and i closer and closer to God, we pray together everyday now. I am proud also because he served as a witness of Gods love and presence. I am a mother to my hero.

Heaven

Mason Wiley Ross gained his wings Sat. June 5th and went to heaven. We looked forward to holding him in our lap and telling him about God. Now God has him in his lap telling him about us. We are very thankful that God let us have him for the time we did. He brought so many wonderful things to our lives.







Sat. June 5th I woke up at 5:35am and i was in pain. I thought it was the baby moving so i woke Jaramie up and had him put his hand on my belly in hopes he would move to a different position. The pain got worse, i had Jaramie call an ambulance. I wasnt sure it was labor bc of how bad the pain was. I started passing out and i couldnt breathe. I was vomiting bc the pain was so bad. I asked Jaramie to call my family bc i knew something was really wrong. I arrived at the hosp. and when i was checked i was already 3cm dilated. It was too late. The dr came in and did an ultrasound and he had already passed away. At this point i had already had pain medicine and my memory gets foggy. I only remember a few things that happened. I know Stef and Daniel were the first ones there. They were there during the ultrasound. The dr told us he was going to start me on pitocin, and give me an epidural and we were going to deliver. The pitocin was started and they continued to give me pain meds. More of my family started to arrive. The dr came in and said that we would be able to hold him after he was born. We also decided to let our family hold him too. I then dilated to 4 cm and they did the epidural. I passed out during it and then my blood pressure started dropping as a side effect of the epidural. They then put the bed in a position where my head was lower than my feet, called trendenburg i think. The anest. gave me a shot of epinephrine and i remember waking up a little. After they got me stable we waited awhile and then started to push. Nothing really changed as a result of pushing the first time. So after another good bit we tried to push again. I dont remember much but that it was so much more painful than i ever could of imagined and i almost couldnt stand it. Something was wrong. On top of that i could barely take a breath to give a good push. I had difficulty breathing since i first went into labor that morning. Turns out it is bc i have been on strict bedrest for 6 weeks prior. The dr then gave us news that was even worse. We were not going to be able to see or hold him bc the labor was putting too much stress on him. We later had to tell our family that and that was not easy, they were crushed. I remained incredibly calm and didnt cry during these times bc i was in shock and had to focus extremely hard just to understand what was going on bc i was heavily medicated. It really broke Jaramies heart, I have never seen him cry like that. That is one thing i do remember and it stings. During this time we had a wonderful nurse who stayed after her shift ended to help us, she also took pictures of Masons tiny feet and made little foot prints on cards for us and put these items, his hospital bracelet and a few other special things in a box with angel wings on it for us. I cant thank her enough. Finally after the second time of pushing the dr decided to do a D&C. It was around 9pm when they took me down. I dont remember going down, they had sedated me pretty heavily by then. It was only supposed to take 30-45 min. They didnt get to start til after 10pm bc once they got me down to the OR they couldnt get my blood pressure stable. They finally finished and told my family i was in recovery. It was around midnight. Most of my family left. When they took me back to my room Jaramie, his mom, my brother, and his fiance were the only ones left. As soon as they rolled me into my room i crashed, they pushed out my family called a code and brought in the crash cart. It took them about 20-30 min to get me stable. During that time my family were asked to move down the hall and they were terrified, they called the rest of my family and everyone rushed back up there. They finally let my family in to see me before they sent me down. They have told me what i looked like and about how they felt. I cant imagine anyone of them in that situation. The dr told them they were going to have to do exploratory surgery to find out what is wrong and that i was possibly bleeding internally. My family told me that i was as white as the sheet, my lips were blue, my skin was ice cold, and that my abdomen was really big and swollen. I was totally unresponsive. They gathered around me, put their hands on me and said a prayer. They then took me down. Im not sure what was harder on them. Me crashing or going down to the OR. I try not to ask them about it too much bc i can tell it is a painful memory for them. I cannot imagine that feeling. I have been told that my sister, brother, and Jaramie stayed up on either side of my head til they took me down, my angels watching over me, i love those 3 so much i cant describe. I dont really remember anything but i do remember at one time being in a place that was completely dark. I was scared, i didnt know where to go, i remember looking for a light but there wasnt one. I dont remember feeling like i was leaving this world just yet though. When they got me down to the OR they put me on life support then put a syringe in my abdomen and removed two 2 liter bottles full of blood. They then cut a hole in my belly button pumped me full of gas and then put a scope in to find out where the bleeding was coming from. They found a perforation on the top of my uterus. They then cut me from the belly button down and the ob over sewed the 2inch perforation on the top of my uterus. During the DNC the dr had accidentally cut my uterus and i was internally bleeding to death. They then gave me 6 units of blood and plasma. I woke up the next morning in the critical care unit and i thought i was still in my room. When i tried to ask why it was 530 am i realized i couldnt talk and my throat was sore. I finally got my dad and Jaramie to understand me and they were surprised to find out i didnt know what had happened. They told me what happened and i was shocked. I dont remember much of that day either. I was glad to wake up every now and then to see Jaramie. He was there as much as they would let him be. I also remember waking up from time to time and seeing different family members. I dont remember any conversations. After 2 days in the critical care unit i got to go back to the 5th floor. I was so glad to be able to have Jaramie sleep in a recliner next to me. They got me up a day or 2 later and it was painful. I had alot of pain all over. In my shoulders, ribs, lungs, abdomen, lower back, sides, and legs. The surgeon came in and told me that i would be sore bc blood is an irritant and like sand paper against every thing it touched. So internally pretty much every where would be irritated for me. He also said the pain in my shoulders, ribs, and abdomen was from the gas they pumped in me. It gathers in pockets and the pressure will be painful and press on nerves and what not. After 2 days in a there they sent me home. I did not feel like i was ready to come home. After the first morning home i started running a fever. The second morning i started vomiting and they admitted me to the hosp. again. My white blood cell count was really high which indicated that my body was fighting an infection. They started me on IV antibiotics and fluids. They also did an CT scan to look at my uterus. A 5cm hematoma had formed over the injury on my uterus. The dr told me they thought that my injury was still bleeding but not enough to cause concern. Then my red blood cell started dropping and i had to have another blood transfusion. I also still was having trouble breathing and my chest felt heavy at night when i layed down to sleep. The dr decided to do a CT scan on my chest to make sure i didnt have a blood clot in my lungs. The nurse came in about an hour after the CT scan and told me that i have pneumonia in my lower right lung. It scared me. But i was kind of relieved bc maybe the pneumonia was causing the fever. So they started me on 2 more IV antibiotics and breathing treatments. All together i was on 5 different IV antibiotics and i have to get a shot in the stomach once a day to prevent blood clots. After 2 days they did a chest xray and my pneumonia was clearing up. We caught it just as it was starting. I got pneumonia bc i had been on bedrest for 6 weeks and bc i was on life support. My have not been very active and squeezing out all of the fluid so my right one had became infected. After 9 days in the hospital my white and red blood cell counts were returning to normal and my fever was low so i finally got to come home yesterday. I was ready to leave the hospital but not ready to come home. This has been such an emotionally hard time for me. I cry a few times a day. I remember the first time i got to walk down the hall, I cried bc i hadt walked since April and bc at the end of the hall was windows over looking the cemetery. It made me sad thinking about Mason. I would also get scared at times bc i was afraid my body was failing me and that i might not leave the hospital. Also before i was dismissed from the hospital the first time i made arrangements with Emerson Funeral home for Mason. They had picked him up and were waiting on me to be released to have his funeral. Emerson kindly has provided all their services at no charge. We are thankful.

I am not angry or bitter that we lost our son and we had to go through this. I do grieve for him. I understand God has a reason for this. I know we will be with him again one day. I love God and trust in him. He has always taken care of me and i know he always will. This has brought Jaramie and i closer. It also has brought my father, sister, and brother back together and i am thankful. This has also showed me the ones who really love and care for Jaramie and I. I cant thank everyone enough for all the love, prayers, and support through these times.

Congrats Ashleigh!

I am excited bc i am a member of a support group for pprom moms and one of the moms on there just had her little girl! Her name is Ashleigh and her story is very similar to mine. She ppromd at 13w4d where as i did at 13w2d. The only difference is that during the whole time she didnt have any fluid that measured over 1.5cm (normal is 14-20). She had her last week! Despite all the drs telling her that her baby wouldnt make it or have lungs developed past a 13 week old. The drs were wrong. She was born at 28w6d and she has normal lungs of a 28.6 weeks old baby! Baby Victoria is doing well! She weighed 1lb 12oz. A week later she is 2lbs and off all oxygen and is breathing in her own!! This story gives us great hope and comfort. Today was a hard day for me bc today was my grandmothers funeral and i couldnt go. That combined with the wear of my nerves from being pretty much helpless made this day go by slow. I feel great most days and i stay in a good mood most of the time. I wish i could say that about today. It is also just plain stressful at times and could really get a person down if they let it. I have goals and plenty of things to look forward to so i always keep looking ahead. I am happy to have another day regardless of my mood and i thank God every morning when i wake up for another day with our baby.

Loss

My grandmother passed away today. I will miss her. We all will. Please say a prayer for my family. Its hard but lately i have been trying to learn about death so i wont be afraid of it. It was hard today telling my dad as he cried that everything will be ok, she has left the pain and suffering of this world. She will be in heaven where she will know the greatest love of all. This is a time now where we can celebrate and be thankful for all of the wonderful times we shared with her. It was a blessing to have her in our lives. We are here on this earth for a short time and our lives are filled with strife and struggles, this is all so we can turn to God. Also so we can display our faith in him for others. Love your family and cherish each moment that you have with them, family is a gift. I am thankful everyday for everyone that God has blessed me with in my life. We are doing well today, besides a little morning sickness the baby is moving around alot! Each day that i carry him is a gift and i am honored. God is good.