Sunday, August 22, 2010
I hadnt heard my dad speak in over 10 years it seems like, actually i think its been longer than that. I think the last time was when i lived in Kansas. I miss those days. There is something about Kansas that i love and i always will. Dads speaking was powerful and he spoke about things that we all needed to hear. This is why he's so good, it was things that most people dont speak about in fear of offending someone, like homosexuality. Wish you all couldve been there.
Anywho, ive been working alot! I missed my clients so much. I love my job, so glad im alive.
Taking one day at a time.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Today has been a great day, ive been in a great mood and feel normal again. My half sister found me on facebook today and i have been trying to get in touch with her for awhile. I am so glad, i havent seen her since my wedding in 2008. She and i are planning on meeting up in Oct. in Memphis to spend some much needed sister time together! We have the same father, she moved away years ago to Georgia with her mother. I cant wait to see her and give her a big hug!
Work is going great, everyone is managing to hunt me down before i even get a chance to call them to tell them i have returned to work. When i did my first color the other day i remembered how much i love this job. God has blessed me with a great career.
Jaramie's younger brother just found out that he is going to have a boy, Lee is due in Jan. I got the baby a shirt in Mexico. I almost cried everytime i looked at it. I also gave them all the baby clothes and diapers i had already bought. I also bought them another pack of diapers today. I cant wait til he is born, to hold him.
Thank you God for this life and everyone in it, as well as the beauty of this earth and most of all love.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
We went to the mall today and had a great time. Stef and the kids came. It was sweet to wheel my dad in a wheel chair through the mall while the kids took turns riding in his lap. Jace really enjoyed hanging with papa Kenny. Dad told us he would buy us something but Stef and i could not find anything hardly, end of the summer shopping stinks! We had fun though and
wish times like that were more often.
We leave for Mexico on sat morning!!! I have been packing and im ready to get to the beach and write Masons name in 5the sand. I made a shadow box with the Masons pictures, blanket, and hosp bracelet. I also made a gift for my brother, its a shadow box. Shanes wedding is going to be amazing. My cousin just got back from royal playa. She said it was nice down there. We all need a break. Even Stef does, bless her heart. They got into an accident when they went to a baseball game in memphis. I was with the kids. I am so glad that they are ok. Her car is going to have to go in the shop. She is also about to start school. So we are all excited about Mexico. Brandi has made tye-dye shirts we all have to wear. They say wedding crashers. Good for pics.
We hatched out about ten baby turtles! We watched them break open the eggs and run out. They were the size of quaters. If my computer was working i would have put the pics along with the florida pics. I will as soon as i can. It was so sweet. Jaramie amazes me, he really loves the simple things in life.
I am so glad to be working again. I missed it! I felt that i had abandoned my children. I have had a great response from my wonderful clients. I really love coloring hair.
I am not feeling well this afternoon. Maybe some stress/anxiety about trivial things. I have comteplated going to a local support group for mothers who experienced loss. They meet once a month. I will check in to it when we get back.
Thanks to God for everything he has provided me in this life!
Monday, August 2, 2010
I have not been to the cemetary since we buried our son, i am going to visit this week. Ive got a few things to take out there. I am going to put 2 angels and a wreath on his grave. I plan on going with my aunt this week to the funeral home bc we she is going to order a bench with Masons name on it for his grave so i can sit out there. She is thoughtful.
I really miss being pregnant. Despite the situation i was always happy, there was so much to look forward to. I miss feeling him move in my tummy.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Since returning from Florida i have really felt like my old self again. I now realize that i may have been a little depressed. I used to cry everyday, i dont as much now.
Jaramie and i renewed our vows while we were there and it was great. Much sweeter the second time. My family really went out of their way to make it a special day for us. I was really happy bc my cousin let me wear part of her wedding dress. Im sentimental like that. I had bought a dress to wear and my cousin had a 2 piece and we put the top piece over my dress and it looked great! My aunt let me wear a pair of my grandmas earrings, that really meant alot to me. We got married next to the Braden river and my cousins children were our ring bearer and flower girl. They were so cute and did such a great job! During the ceremony Jaramie and i both cried. Neither of us cried at our wedding 2 years ago. We have came through alot, together. I will be posting the pictures of it on facebook as soon as i get my computer fixed. My cousin took the pictures and she did a great job!
I started back to work today. Im only going to go back to work a couple of days a week for now. I started calling all of my clients yesterday and they all wanted to make appointments so i had to stop when i got to the B's in my address book bc i didnt want to over do it this week. Everyone has been really happy im back! I love all my clients so much, i feel as if they are family to me. I felt as if i had abandoned my children when i had to quit work. Dont get me wrong it was worth every second of it, i did the best i could for my son and i am proud.
Also, my pprom mom friend that we stopped to visit in Atlanta had her baby girl!!! She had no measurable fluid the last few times they checked her i believe and she is doing well!! Most of the mothers from the pprom support group i have been keeping up with have had their babies and they are doing so well! Please keep them in your prayers!!
I went to the dr and i dont have a UTI. He put me on 2 meds for the bladder spasms. So far nothing has changed so we will see.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Tomorrow is our last full day here and Jaramie and i are renewing our vows on the beach tomorrow at sunset!! My family here has really went out of there way to make it a special occasion!! It is going to be so much fun and so very special, i think we may renew them every year!! I want to thank Henry and Martha for everything!! And thanks to brother Wayne for officiating our ceremony! Ill blog the details soon!
I also wanted to say Congrats to all of the mothers from the Pprom support group who have had their babies!! Please keep them in your prayers. I am so happy for them, i know the road they have traveled and i am praying for them. Also, please pray for the Pprom mothers who are still carrying their babies, they are staying so strong, its so hard. I hope no one ever has to go through an experience like this. Keep baking mamas!!! Also, i have joined support groups for parents who have suffered loss. Please say a prayer for these parents who have lost a child. As i read i have realized how some of these mothers are having such a hard time, its heart breaking. I pray that they find find peace and heal. I feel as if i am dealing with our loss really well, there are still times that are difficult, i never know when it will hit or what can trigger it. I feel at peace, our son is with the lord and i am proud. We will be together some day, that thought makes me smile. So i cherish the time i have here with my family, im afraid time will pass alot faster than we want. Hard to decide whether to pray for time to slow so i can be here or for it to pass fast so i can see my sons. So ill just pray that Gods will be done and he uses me how he needs to.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
We want to thank Henry and Martha for the wonderful time here. I really needed it Martha, you have been so good to me and an inspiration. Thank you for listening and the support. I love you.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Amber is in good spirits and she is doing an excellent job mothering her little girl who is nestled in her belly. I pray that she keeps her cooking til 34 weeks at least. I am thankful i had the opportunity to visit her. I have such hope for her and the others mothers from the support group. I wish i could meet and pray with all of them.
Thank you Amber and i cant wait to see pictures of your little girl when she arrives!!
I love so much about life. Every time i enjoy things about life i feel blessed, but i know our true rewards are in heaven. I find peace in knowing that the bible says we cant possibly imagine what awaits us in heaven. Its hard to imagine that there could be greater things than the love we share with each other here but i am excited.
Things i love here on earth and with heaven being greater i cant imagine:
Jaramie and everything about him
Stefanie and her 2 beautiful children
My relationship with my dad
My brother and his wonderful fiance
My family, i am blessed with a large one, thankful for every one of them
Lemons and fresh ripe figs
Sunshine and the beach
i could go on and make a list longer than you would care to read
God has given me a third chance at life. God has a purpose for me. A doctor made a mistake and i almost didnt make it, i am not angry in the least. He is human just as i am. Sometimes i am concerned about trying to have another baby, i could go to see the most experienced, highly recommended doctors in the world and all they could tell me is what they think. They will not know. Only God knows and i take comfort in that. I fully trust in him. I realize now more than ever he is in control and can take any of one of us at any moment. We need not get too comfortable here bc it is only temporary. I have accepted this more now than ever. Life is a fragile blessing, one thats was given in love.
A friend recently lost her boyfriend, i talked to her last week and told her that it looked like June was a rough month for both of us. I told her that maybe God sent him here to bring her closer to God. Not just her but many. It has touched me.
I am a member of a couple of support groups on the internet and since i have been here in Florida i havent been on the computer. I got on here today and checked the pprom board and 3 of the mothers have had their babies. These are mothers that had their membranes rupture early just as i did. One little one gained his wings, the others are doing well. Please keep these mothers, babies, and their families in your prayers.
I also wanted to add that we are VERY thankful for those who have acknowledge Mason and have been supportive in any way.
A special thanks this week to:
Stefanie(as always, love you!)
Martha and Henry
Amber Salway and her lovely son
Emily and Andrew
John and Dana
and most of all God
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
On a lighter note i have discovered that i now have stretch marks!! Jaramie is calling me stretch, he better watch it lol. He's part of the reason i have them!
This weekend we went with my sister and her husband to the lake. I was nervous about going bc i wasnt for sure i was going to have enough energy to keep up with everyone. It was the first time i spent a whole day up and around. I did well. The second day i felt a little sore like i had been exercising the day before. We had a great time, i am glad they invited us. We love spending time with our niece and nephew. Jaramie got to fish alot and we ate some great food, my brother in law is an excellent cook. It was nice to get away.
Monday, July 5, 2010
We all will experience some kind of loss, pain, and what not. It is life, im just glad ive had the chance to experience so much love.
We are about to go and take a much needed trip to Florida where i have family. God has blessed us with lots of wonderful family. On the way down there i am excited bc i am going to stop and see a friend of mine, shes a pprom mom. I want to pray with her.
Thanks to each person who has prayed and been here for us:)
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
When i was in the hospital one of the nuns came by and brought me this poem, i really like it. Thank you sister.
A PLACE FOR ME
There is a special place in life, that needs my humble skill, a certain job im meant to do, nobody else can fill. The hours are demanding, and the pay is not good, and yet i wouldnt change it for a moment, if i could. There is a special place in life, a goal i must attain, a dream that i must follow, for i wont be back again. There is a mark that i must leave, however small it be, a legacy of love for those who follow after me. There is a special place in life that only i may share, a little path that bears my name awaiting me somewhere. There is a hand that i must hold, a word that i must say, a smile that i must give, for there are tears to blot away. There is a special place in life that i was meant to fill. A sunny spot where flowers grow, upon a windy hill. Theres always tomorrow, and the best is yet to be, and somewhere in this world i know there is a place for me.
Grace E. Easley
Monday, June 28, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
We are thankful to the nurse we had. She has been with us since my water first broke in April. The day i went into labor she was with us the whole day, she even stayed with me after her shift ended. She also prepared a little box for us, it had pictures of Masons tiny feet and she made foot prints of his tiny feet on cards for us. She also put in there the blanket he was wrapped in along with a few other special things. She also came to see me in the critical care unit. She is not only my nurse but a friend. Sent for us by God. He has blessed us with so many wonderful people in our lives during these times. We had many wonderful nurses. Thank you ladies, we are proud to of had you by our side during these times.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Sat. June 5th I woke up at 5:35am and i was in pain. I thought it was the baby moving so i woke Jaramie up and had him put his hand on my belly in hopes he would move to a different position. The pain got worse, i had Jaramie call an ambulance. I wasnt sure it was labor bc of how bad the pain was. I started passing out and i couldnt breathe. I was vomiting bc the pain was so bad. I asked Jaramie to call my family bc i knew something was really wrong. I arrived at the hosp. and when i was checked i was already 3cm dilated. It was too late. The dr came in and did an ultrasound and he had already passed away. At this point i had already had pain medicine and my memory gets foggy. I only remember a few things that happened. I know Stef and Daniel were the first ones there. They were there during the ultrasound. The dr told us he was going to start me on pitocin, and give me an epidural and we were going to deliver. The pitocin was started and they continued to give me pain meds. More of my family started to arrive. The dr came in and said that we would be able to hold him after he was born. We also decided to let our family hold him too. I then dilated to 4 cm and they did the epidural. I passed out during it and then my blood pressure started dropping as a side effect of the epidural. They then put the bed in a position where my head was lower than my feet, called trendenburg i think. The anest. gave me a shot of epinephrine and i remember waking up a little. After they got me stable we waited awhile and then started to push. Nothing really changed as a result of pushing the first time. So after another good bit we tried to push again. I dont remember much but that it was so much more painful than i ever could of imagined and i almost couldnt stand it. Something was wrong. On top of that i could barely take a breath to give a good push. I had difficulty breathing since i first went into labor that morning. Turns out it is bc i have been on strict bedrest for 6 weeks prior. The dr then gave us news that was even worse. We were not going to be able to see or hold him bc the labor was putting too much stress on him. We later had to tell our family that and that was not easy, they were crushed. I remained incredibly calm and didnt cry during these times bc i was in shock and had to focus extremely hard just to understand what was going on bc i was heavily medicated. It really broke Jaramies heart, I have never seen him cry like that. That is one thing i do remember and it stings. During this time we had a wonderful nurse who stayed after her shift ended to help us, she also took pictures of Masons tiny feet and made little foot prints on cards for us and put these items, his hospital bracelet and a few other special things in a box with angel wings on it for us. I cant thank her enough. Finally after the second time of pushing the dr decided to do a D&C. It was around 9pm when they took me down. I dont remember going down, they had sedated me pretty heavily by then. It was only supposed to take 30-45 min. They didnt get to start til after 10pm bc once they got me down to the OR they couldnt get my blood pressure stable. They finally finished and told my family i was in recovery. It was around midnight. Most of my family left. When they took me back to my room Jaramie, his mom, my brother, and his fiance were the only ones left. As soon as they rolled me into my room i crashed, they pushed out my family called a code and brought in the crash cart. It took them about 20-30 min to get me stable. During that time my family were asked to move down the hall and they were terrified, they called the rest of my family and everyone rushed back up there. They finally let my family in to see me before they sent me down. They have told me what i looked like and about how they felt. I cant imagine anyone of them in that situation. The dr told them they were going to have to do exploratory surgery to find out what is wrong and that i was possibly bleeding internally. My family told me that i was as white as the sheet, my lips were blue, my skin was ice cold, and that my abdomen was really big and swollen. I was totally unresponsive. They gathered around me, put their hands on me and said a prayer. They then took me down. Im not sure what was harder on them. Me crashing or going down to the OR. I try not to ask them about it too much bc i can tell it is a painful memory for them. I cannot imagine that feeling. I have been told that my sister, brother, and Jaramie stayed up on either side of my head til they took me down, my angels watching over me, i love those 3 so much i cant describe. I dont really remember anything but i do remember at one time being in a place that was completely dark. I was scared, i didnt know where to go, i remember looking for a light but there wasnt one. I dont remember feeling like i was leaving this world just yet though. When they got me down to the OR they put me on life support then put a syringe in my abdomen and removed two 2 liter bottles full of blood. They then cut a hole in my belly button pumped me full of gas and then put a scope in to find out where the bleeding was coming from. They found a perforation on the top of my uterus. They then cut me from the belly button down and the ob over sewed the 2inch perforation on the top of my uterus. During the DNC the dr had accidentally cut my uterus and i was internally bleeding to death. They then gave me 6 units of blood and plasma. I woke up the next morning in the critical care unit and i thought i was still in my room. When i tried to ask why it was 530 am i realized i couldnt talk and my throat was sore. I finally got my dad and Jaramie to understand me and they were surprised to find out i didnt know what had happened. They told me what happened and i was shocked. I dont remember much of that day either. I was glad to wake up every now and then to see Jaramie. He was there as much as they would let him be. I also remember waking up from time to time and seeing different family members. I dont remember any conversations. After 2 days in the critical care unit i got to go back to the 5th floor. I was so glad to be able to have Jaramie sleep in a recliner next to me. They got me up a day or 2 later and it was painful. I had alot of pain all over. In my shoulders, ribs, lungs, abdomen, lower back, sides, and legs. The surgeon came in and told me that i would be sore bc blood is an irritant and like sand paper against every thing it touched. So internally pretty much every where would be irritated for me. He also said the pain in my shoulders, ribs, and abdomen was from the gas they pumped in me. It gathers in pockets and the pressure will be painful and press on nerves and what not. After 2 days in a there they sent me home. I did not feel like i was ready to come home. After the first morning home i started running a fever. The second morning i started vomiting and they admitted me to the hosp. again. My white blood cell count was really high which indicated that my body was fighting an infection. They started me on IV antibiotics and fluids. They also did an CT scan to look at my uterus. A 5cm hematoma had formed over the injury on my uterus. The dr told me they thought that my injury was still bleeding but not enough to cause concern. Then my red blood cell started dropping and i had to have another blood transfusion. I also still was having trouble breathing and my chest felt heavy at night when i layed down to sleep. The dr decided to do a CT scan on my chest to make sure i didnt have a blood clot in my lungs. The nurse came in about an hour after the CT scan and told me that i have pneumonia in my lower right lung. It scared me. But i was kind of relieved bc maybe the pneumonia was causing the fever. So they started me on 2 more IV antibiotics and breathing treatments. All together i was on 5 different IV antibiotics and i have to get a shot in the stomach once a day to prevent blood clots. After 2 days they did a chest xray and my pneumonia was clearing up. We caught it just as it was starting. I got pneumonia bc i had been on bedrest for 6 weeks and bc i was on life support. My have not been very active and squeezing out all of the fluid so my right one had became infected. After 9 days in the hospital my white and red blood cell counts were returning to normal and my fever was low so i finally got to come home yesterday. I was ready to leave the hospital but not ready to come home. This has been such an emotionally hard time for me. I cry a few times a day. I remember the first time i got to walk down the hall, I cried bc i hadt walked since April and bc at the end of the hall was windows over looking the cemetery. It made me sad thinking about Mason. I would also get scared at times bc i was afraid my body was failing me and that i might not leave the hospital. Also before i was dismissed from the hospital the first time i made arrangements with Emerson Funeral home for Mason. They had picked him up and were waiting on me to be released to have his funeral. Emerson kindly has provided all their services at no charge. We are thankful.
I am not angry or bitter that we lost our son and we had to go through this. I do grieve for him. I understand God has a reason for this. I know we will be with him again one day. I love God and trust in him. He has always taken care of me and i know he always will. This has brought Jaramie and i closer. It also has brought my father, sister, and brother back together and i am thankful. This has also showed me the ones who really love and care for Jaramie and I. I cant thank everyone enough for all the love, prayers, and support through these times.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
So as the tech did the u/s and then went to get the dr to look. He looked for awhile and told us that he wanted to talk to us about a few things he found in the u/s in a conference room. Once we were in the room he told us there we 3 things he found. First was that both of the babys feet were turned in at the ankles. This could be 1 of 2 things: it could be from the amount of time the baby went without fluid and the baby was growing and couldnt move them. Or it could be a condition called rockerfoot. Which is commonly associated with a genetic abnormality where there is an extra #21 chromosome, this can cause severe retardation and most infants die shortly after they are born and have major heart defects. The second thing he found was that there was light colored shading on the u/s in the babys bowels that was from blood the baby had swallowed bc i had bled the first 7 weeks i was pregnant. It is nothing that we have to be concerned with. The third thing was there was also light shading on a muscle in the babys heart, he said this was common to see in many normal pregnancies and he was not really concerned with that either. It may be a hole in the heart or it may not be. He said that we would know more when i come back in 3 weeks.
I am so so so thankful, this baby boy is gods creation and proof that he is the great physician and that through him ALL things are possible.
Monday, May 24, 2010
IT'S A BOY!!!!!
We really appreciate everyones prayers, love, and support! We couldnt of done it with out you all, God heard our prayers!
I am going to celebrate more with my family and i will post again later telling you all what our plan of care is and the rest of the ultrasound results are a little bit later, thanks again!
Sunday, May 23, 2010
I will post as soon as i get home from Memphis!!!
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
1PE 1:8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorius joy.
9:22 Jesus turned and saw her. "Take heart, daughter," he said, "your faith has healed you."And the woman was healed from that moment.
14:1 Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.
9:10 Those who know your name will trust in you, for you LORD, have never forsaken those who love you.
112:7 He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.
"If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountian, "Move from here to there," and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." -Matthew 17:20
One day he called me and said that he was about to fly to Kentucky and he was going to fly over our house, he said we'd know when he was here. So about an hour later i was talking to my mother in law when all of a sudden, out of the window that is directly in front of me i saw his plane flying straight toward us. I pointed it out to Gail, he buzzed us, then he flew right behind the house really fast and all i could see was a yellow streak. Then he buzzed the front of the house where Jaramie and his brother were, Gail stepped outside at that point and waved at him, he waved back. I cried like a baby, it made my day. I was proud he did that for me to brighten my day. I love you dad!!!
I take many vitamins and pills a day. I take vitamin E, C, Zinc, cranberry supplement, stool softeners, prenatal vitamins, and baby aspirin. The E, C, and Zinc can help aid in the sealing of my amniotic sac(praying that it will). The cranberry supplement is for warding off uti infections. The stool softener is so i dont have to push hard during a bm. Baby aspirin is to keep me from forming blood clots, i also have to wear anti-embolism stockings, i can only take them off for 30 min a day. I also drink milk and eat yogurt everyday to keep infections away as well. Along with drinking 64oz or more water a day. I have always had healthy eating habits which are great. Since i dont eat sweets that helps bc sugars bring on infections. I used to drink cokes all the time but i quit caffeine last oct and quit all sodas except sprite right before this happened, now i dont drink that either. Jaramie wakes up in the morning and cooks me breakfast and fills my water cups, then he gets me snack, refills my waters, makes lunch, then more snacks and water, then sometimes dinner and more waters, and then more snacks before we go to sleep. And he gets me all the little things i need in between. We he needs a break his mom Gail comes over or my sister will. My sister, Gail, and my mom also run errands and picks up groceries for us. My dad and brother have visited and brought food. Also we'd like to say thank you to the ladies at Needham Baptist Church for the meal, gifts, and prayers!!!! Jaramies mom usually cooks us dinner, calls when its ready and he goes and picks it up. She is responsible for me gaining 3 lbs in a week on one of my last dr's appt lol! Great food, we love it!! Mom almost always cooks something extra when she is here so all we can eat it at a later time. Everybody's help is greatly appreciated!!!!
Saturday, May 15, 2010
So on mon. the ob came in and said he had spoken with a neonatologist in Little Rock and he said to send me home on strict bed rest and with a prescription of oral antibiotics.
Once we were home we had to get settled. Since we had just got new furniture my temporary bed would be our huge comfy sectional! It worked out good b/c when we picked it out i said i wanted one big enough that Jaramie and i could sleep on. Funny how things work out.